


Breathless

by psychophoenix



Series: Breathless AU [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Doctor AU, Drama & Romance, M/M, Original in AFF, hospital au, medical AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-20 18:13:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 37,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20679749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychophoenix/pseuds/psychophoenix
Summary: KaiSoo/EXO Medical!AU/ Doctor!AU.Jongin thinks with his heart, and Kyungsoo thinks with his head. But when fate brings them together, the two just might end up having to learn to see things from the other's perspective.A present and a past, but an unforeseeable future.A story of how the odds play with the games of life, love, and loss.





	1. What's Too Painful to Remember

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Mentions of self-harm, anxiety attacks, and depression.

“The patient’s name is Kim Jongin.”

“What?” Do Kyungsoo nearly stops in his tracks but manages to disguise his hesitation as a misstep.

Zhang Yixing eyes the younger neurologist with a curious glance. “Do you know the patient, Dr. Do?” He asks as he pushes upon the doors of the room adjoining to the operating room.

“I… no,” Kyungsoo replies after a moment of hesitation and turns his attention to scrubbing in.

Dr. Zhang tilts his head and stares at him in deep thought for a moment before he shakes his head slowly. He then continues to brief Kyungsoo about the man waiting for him on the operating table. “He was out swimming at the beach when a bad storm hit. He washed up unconscious on the beach with an astounding number of injuries. They think he had just enough strength to attempt to swim back to shore but got thrown against some rocks near the edge. That’s where he got the head trauma from. They had to fly him in since the hospital there didn’t have the equipment needed for this kind of operation.” Yixing pauses to help Kyungsoo put on his surgical gloves before he resumes. “Junmyeon has already deemed him stable for surgery…” he trails off.

Kyungsoo looks up at him. “What?”

“You’re shaking,” Yixing observes, staring at Kyungsoo’s hands. “Kyungsoo, are you sure you can handle this surgery? I can do it, you know, I’m technically still in practice. It’s just until Dr.Yifan gets here. I know it’s your first surgery since –“

Kyungsoo cuts him off with a firm nod. “I can do it, Doctor. Thank you for your concern, but I can handle this.” And, with a quick bow, he pushes himself into the operating room.

Zhang Yixing sighs. He saw the flash of panic in Kyungsoo’s eyes while he was being briefed, and he wonders if the younger doctor was sure about being ready. But he trusts Do Kyungsoo’s skills. He was one of the most promising doctors in the field, after all. And between the two of them, Yixing hasn’t been practicing surgery for a longer time. He stopped doing surgeries since he became head of the department because he was never fit for surgery. He never had enough apathy in his gentle soul to detach himself from his patients. It’s too much of a doctor cliché, but one time he lost a patient he was close to on the operating table. It was more than just a cliché because that patient was his sister. Yixing hadn't been in charge of the operation, as it was forbidden, but he still blamed himself. Only the numbness from that loss managed to get Yixing through the other patients who came after. That is, up until he got the position of Head of Neurosurgery. Call it an abuse of power, but Zhang Yixing stayed away from the operating room unless he can help it. And when he did go in, it was only to assist and supervise his subordinates.

Lost in his thoughts, Yixing misses the distinct widening of Kyungsoo's eyes the moment he sets eyes on the patient.

\--

Dr. Kim Junmyeon, cardiologist, greets Kyungsoo as he approaches the operating table. "Dr. Kyungsoo." he acknowledges with a nod. Above his mask, his eyes betraying his worry. "Are you certain you can handle this?" he asks in a low voice.

Kyungsoo huffs. "As I have already told Dr. Zhang, yes. Stop worrying about me and focus on the patient, Suho." he retorts to his colleague in a sharp voice, using his nickname for the other doctor to soften his annoyed remark.

"Alright," Junmyeon replies, still with obvious worry. Despite this, he turns to one of the assisting nurses to instruct him about monitoring the patient's vitals.

Kyungsoo, in turn, looks back at the patient on the table. Kim Jongin looks badly beat up. His face had cuts and bruises, and by what Kyungsoo could see, his arms and legs bore similar gashes. He could see that the emergency respondents had already done what they could to impede the bleeding of the sustained external injuries. The machinery monitoring his vitals reflected stability, and their beeps were a quiet reassurance in the tension of the situation. Jongin was still unconscious, but the doctors hoped that the surgery would help him regain consciousness. He had sustained head trauma, but once the clotting was removed, his chances were infinitely better.

_“It’s a miracle that he was found so soon, and was still alive when they found him.”_ He remembers Dr. Zhang's tense remark on their way to the OR.

The familiarity of Jongin is almost a long distant memory for Kyungsoo, but he can’t shake off the feelings that come with it. The bronzed skin, the dark messy hair, and even the shape of those closed eyes are enough to send him spiraling into an unwarranted flashback. His heart clenches painfully in an almost physical sense as he continues to stare at Jongin's current state. Kyungsoo forces himself to tear his eyes away for the sake of his sanity. His heart is beating fast, a sensation he hasn't been familiar with for quite a while, and it's quite alarming.

Breathing hard to calm himself, he looks at the MRI scans tacked up to determine his surgical approach. After a short while, he nods to himself and briefs the team on how they’ll go through the operation. When he was sure they all knew what they would and should be doing, Kyungsoo indicates that they should start the operation.

He mentally begs his heart not to betray him.

Not to betray Kim Jongin.

Not this time.

Not again.

\--

The surgery is well underway when something happens and all of a sudden there is continuous bleeding of unknown origin. His heart hammering in his chest, Kyungsoo calls for suction to clean off the pooling blood for him to determine the cause of the bleeding. He hears Junmyeon saying something about vitals and blood loss, but he’s lost in a haze. He goes through the motions in a furious but sure pace, ignoring his own racing heart in the process. He finds the source of the bleeding and moves to stop it.

The bleeding doesn't stop.

"No, no, no. Kai!" Kyungsoo shouts and he realizes with a shock that he's shaking uncontrollably. He freezes, knowing full well he couldn't continue with unsteady hands or he would be putting the patient in greater danger.

His heart is beating fast.

Too fast.

The frantic beeping of the machines pierces through the blur in Kyungsoo's mind.

Kyungsoo doesn't know which is faster: the beeping of the machines, or the beating of his heart. His breaths start coming out unevenly.

"Dr. Do?" Junmyeon calls his name with concerned intensity. "Kyungsoo?"

When he receives no reply, Junmyeon orders a nurse to stabilize the patient’s vitals with a transfusion, and fast.

Through the panicked haze, Kyungsoo notes faintly that Dr. Zhang has rushed into the operating room. Nurses assist Yixing with his gloves with unbelievable speed and he gives Kyungsoo and a gentle but firm nudge to the side before taking over. With steady hands, he finds and stops the source of bleeding and proceeds with the rest of the operation in silence.

When he’s sure that Kim Jongin’s vitals are back to stable, Junmyeon excuses himself and quietly leads Kyungsoo away. He helps Kyungsoo dispose of his bloody gloves and then assists him out the OR.

“Breathe.” He reminds the neurosurgeon in a firm voice, once they were outside. “Where are your medications?” he asks after he checks Kyungsoo’s pulse rate and notes the alarming speed. He chooses not to mention what Kyungsoo had shouted in the middle of the frenzy in the operating room because he’s sure his friend wouldn’t want to speak about it… just yet.

Kyungsoo replies in a shaky voice, “They- they’re in my car.” With shaking hands, he removes his scrubs and changes back into his plain clothes. Junmyeon turns around and peers through the observation deck to make sure that he wasn’t needed back inside.

When Kyungsoo’s done changing, he leans back on the lockers and closes his eyes. His heart is still beating like crazy.

Junmyeon returns and changes back into his uniform. Afterward, he shoves their scrubs into the biohazard bag provided. He finds Kyungsoo’s blazer on the bench his friend was sitting on and drapes it around Kyungsoo’s shoulders to keep him warm.

He helps his friend up once more and they walk outside to the elevators. Junmyeon looks at the clock above the elevator doors and notes the time. “Have you taken them today yet?” he asks of the aforementioned medications.

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “I was about to before Dr. Zhang called me back for the emergency surgery. I always take them before I head home. That’s the schedule.” His hands were still shaking, and he was still in a dazed state.

“Come on, you have to take your dose now,” Junmyeon replies in a firm voice as he pushes the button on the elevator, then supports Kyungsoo’s weakened frame to get inside. Pushing the button for the floor of the parking lot, Junmyeon faces Kyungsoo again. “What happened back there? Everything was going well before…” he stops himself and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Are you alright?” he finally asks.

Kyungsoo flashes him with a weak smile to reassure him. “Just didn’t take my meds on time, that’s all, Suho.”

“Look, I’m your colleague and your friend. But I’m also your doctor. We’ve discussed how you should take it slow after your -” the ding of the elevator doors opening cuts him short. He supports Kyungsoo to his car and watches as the latter rummages through his blazer’s pockets for his car key. Once Kyungsoo finds it, he opens his car and grabs his bag to take the bottles of his medications out.

While his friend downs his medication, Junmyeon asks angrily, “Where was Yifan anyway? Isn’t it supposed to be his shift?”

Receiving only a shrug as a reply, he sighs and leans on his friend’s car. “Let me check your heart rate.” He says. Kyungsoo complies by handing him his arm to check for his pulse, his eyes closed, breathing strained. “Are you experiencing any chest pains?” Junmyeon asks and uses the stethoscope around his neck to check Kyungsoo’s heartbeat.

Kyungsoo opens his eyes. “No. Can I go home?”

Junmyeon shakes his head. “You’re okay now, but I wouldn’t recommend you to go home after what just happened. I need to monitor you for the next few hours. Stay and rest in the quarters. Or better yet, I’ll have you confined.”

“But I have a shift early tomorrow.”

“You might have to take a day off tomorrow.” was Junmyeon’s short reply.

\--

True to his word, Junmyeon has Kyungsoo confined in a private room at the Cardiology ward. Sighing, Kyungsoo closes his eyes and tries to get the sleep he knows his body needs. But to no avail. Every time he closes his eyes he sees the image of Kim Jongin’s face, and a vision of the blood which never seemed to stop flowing and flowing until-

A knock on his door shakes Kyungsoo from his terrible visions and he looks at the opening door to see Zhang Yixing’s face peer at him. “Oh, good, you’re awake.” Smiles the head of neurosurgery, letting himself in.

“Are you here to fire me?” Kyungsoo asks, half-serious, half… not.

Dr. Zhang chuckles as he sits on the chair beside Kyungoo’s bed. “Fire you? Goodness no, Dr. Do. You’re one of the best neurosurgeons in the department and the field. I’m here to inform you that Mr. Kim is out of surgery safe and alive. He’s still in a comatose, but we’re optimistic he’ll wake after a few days. He’s currently in the ICU for further monitoring.”

Kyungsoo frowns. “Why are you telling me this? And why aren’t you firing me? What happened to me in the operating room was a serious blunder, and we both know it. I froze. I could have been the reason for Ka- Kim Jongin’s serious impairment or worse, death. I don’t understand, Dr. Zhang.” 

Yixing regards his subordinate with a calm expression before replying. “I know, but what happened was a serious error of judgment from my part. I shouldn’t have asked you to go in there, knowing you’re still supposed to take it easy and not get your heart all worked up. I’m sorry. If anyone should get fired here, it’s me for my poor judgment. I also put your health on the line, Kyungsoo. I’m also telling you this because you deserve to know that Kim Jongin is alright, despite that little mishap.”

“Yes, all thanks to you, and none to me,” Kyungsoo replies.

“No, no. All thanks to you.” Counters Yixing. “You started that operation, Kyungsoo, and you knew what you were doing when you determined how to get it done. I just followed what you started, and the operation was a success. I know you need this information to rest any of your qualms about what happened. It wasn’t your fault. The only thing I would attribute to you is the success of the operation. You made it possible. You saved his life in there, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo bows his head. “I… thank you, doctor. I’m sorry you had to swoop in there, I know you haven’t been doing surgeries since…” he trails off. 

“Don’t be. It’s my job, right? In a way, I think it’s about time I got back in there and handled an operation.” Yixing smiles and stands up. “Now, get some rest. I promise not to spur anything like this on you again. By the way, has Junmyeon mentioned when he’ll be discharging you?”

“Tomorrow afternoon at the latest, I guess. I’m just here for overnight monitoring.” Kyungsoo answers, gesturing to the chart beside his bed. “And _bedrest_,” he adds with distaste. He’s had enough of that for the past few years.

His superior merely nods. “I see. Well, I was just asking because you’re still Patient Kim’s consulting doctor. I hope that’s alright?”

Kyungsoo winces internally, but he still nods. “I suppose so, Dr. Zhang.”

“All right, I’ll talk to Junmyeon about it and either of us will let you know, okay? Rest well!” With that, Zhang Yixing leaves the room with a small wave.

\--

Do Kyungsoo lies awake hours after their conversation, still unable to get the image of Kim Jongin on the operating table out of his head. He shifts uncomfortably in his bed and nearly falls off it in surprise when the door to his room opens and in shuffles Junmyeon with one of the cardiology ward’s interns, Jongdae. Kyungsoos eyes flick to the clock on the table by his bedside, already feeling guilty about getting caught not resting. But Junmyeon doesn’t seem to notice, or if he does, he chooses not to comment on it as he explains the writing on Kyungsoo’s chart to Jongdae. The intern nods in understanding before writing something down in his notes and leaves the room quietly after bowing to both Kyungsoo and Junmyeon.

Kyungsoo stares at Junmyeon, waiting for the admonition. Instead, he gets a heavy sigh from his friend as he sits down at the edge of Kyungsoo’s bed. “Suho?” he’s almost afraid to ask.

“I told myself I wouldn’t ask but…” his friend hesitates. He looks up to face Kyungsoo’s pale, well, paler than usual, face and inspects his friend’s expression. Kyungsoo blinks, clueless, his wide eyes getting smaller as he frowns in anticipation of what Junmyeon is going to ask next. He sighs again. “Who’s Kai?” He hears the breath go out of his friend’s lungs before Kyungsoo responds.

“I don’t understand-.” He begins, but Junmyeon cuts him off.

“I know he’s Kim Jongin, Soo. I know it’s him, the patient on the table earlier. I know he’s Kai. But what I’m asking you now is who is he _to you_?” Kyungsoo looks away then, eyes downcast on his blanket. “So you do know him then.” Junmyeon breathes out, knowing his friend well enough to know what he’s saying even when he’s not saying anything at all.

“Yes.” was the short, quiet answer.

“Did Yixing know before he sent you in there? You and I both know as well as he does that it’s against protocol.” Junmyeon asks, running a hand through his usually well-kept hair.

Kyungsoo shrugs weakly. “I didn’t exactly tell him. I wasn’t even sure until I got into the OR, and it’s not like anyone else could have done the operation even if I did. Dr. Zhang must have suspected, but it’s been a long time. A _long_ time. I barely know Kim Jongin anymore.” And yet as he replies he knows he’s lying because the name Kim Jongin doesn’t leave his lips as smoothly as ‘Kai’. And of course, because they’ve been friends for a long time, having been roommates from med school to early in their residencies, Junmyeon notices the slight catch in his voice.

“Who is he, Soo? In all the years we’ve been friends, I’ve never heard you mention him once. So why does he have this much impact on you?” Amid his statement, Suho’s eyes widen a fraction. “No. No, scratch that. I _have_ heard you talk about him. Once. Just once.” His friend’s brow furrow as he frowns. “Just after your operation, when the anesthesia was wearing off. You said his name. _‘Kai.’_ And that was all you said before you fell asleep again, but I remember that moment vividly because you had tears in your eyes. I didn’t know why, but you did. And I saw your pain, Kyungsoo, the one that went beyond the physical hurt. So tell me, please. Who is he?”

Tears were pooling in Kyungsoo’s eyes, blurring his vision as Suho recounts the story. He takes a sharp intake of breath and looks up to face Junmyeon again. “He… he saved me.”

Suho’s brows furrow, confused. “Saved you? From what?”

“From myself. More than once. The year I was gone.” Kyungsoo’s responses were getting choppier, but Suho got the sentiment.

Junmyeon slowly leans back, surprised. “You met him then?” Kyungsoo nods once, jerkily wiping his tears with his palms. “Was he... was he the reason why you had been in such a state when you got back here that day?”

Kyungsoo nods again, a sob heaving his entire body. “I…”

“Oh, Kyungsoo…” Junmyeon sighs, reaching for his friend’s hand. “Tell me from the beginning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my first fanfic for the EXO fandom, particularly for my ship above all ships, Kaisoo. It was a featured fic during its time on AFF (it's still there, tbh) and now, 4 years later, I've been toying with the idea of continuing the spin-off fic (not Kaisoo-centric but set in the same AU).
> 
> I figured I'd see how this does with the audience here on AO3 before taking the plunge and continuing with that spin-off.
> 
> There will definitely be some minor edits in this compared to the original: grammar-wise, story-wise, and timeline-wise. Consider this the superior version (though not by much), I would definitely consider this the more "canon" version in the AU I'm planning to expand on.


	2. The Way We Were

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyungsoo tells all. Flashback set 3 years prior to the previous chapter, hence the verb tense change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Here's the chapter where the majority of the mentions of self-harm, depression, and panic attacks are in.

The sun was shining in a way that it hasn't in a long time when Do Kyungsoo stepped out of the bus. He scanned the scenery in front of him with a dubious expression. A trip to the beach, alone, months before the vacation season? Of course, the beach would be empty, and Kyungsoo felt foolish just thinking about the idea of being the lone vacationer. He mentally deliberated with himself whether he should just take the next bus back home or not. If he did, he was pretty sure his doctor would kill him. Which was going to be ironic since Dr. Kim Junmyeon had instructed (read: _forced_) Kyungsoo to take the “vacation” to save his life. 

_“Kyungsoo, you know it’s for your own good.” The cardiologist had said. ”The pressure here in the hospital isn’t good for your heart right now. Not with Dr. Yifan acting up and missing his shifts like he’s his own employee and not the damn hospital’s. And with your recent diagnosis… it’s not good. You’re a doctor too, you know the risks.”_

_Kyungsoo had raised his brows in response. “Dr. Yifan’s unpredictability sounds all the more reason for me to stay, Suho.” He had replied, using his affectionate nickname for his often concerned, if not overbearing, colleague. Junmyeon had always watched over him since they were in med school together, just like a mother hen clucking after her chicks. Of course, he always meant well with his fussing, but it’s gotten worse since Kyungsoo’s diagnosis._

_Kyungsoo supposed it was because Suho blamed himself for Kyungsoo’s condition, having not seen the signs in time. It was finals week, and they were both caught up in their schedules to notice why Kyungsoo had been listless and irritated all week long. He’d had a particularly bad but asymptomatic case of strep throat. They both chalked it up to finals stress. It was a few weeks later when he got the rheumatic fever, which damaged his heart and led to his valvular heart disease. It was rare, but in cases like Kyungsoo’s that were left without proper intervention, it happens. Kyungsoo never blamed him, partly because it was his fault he didn’t notice either, given that it was his body, and partly because there really was nothing to blame Suho for._

_Junmyeon had shaken his head in frustration. “You never listen to me. I’ve already talked with Dr. Yixing and he agrees. You need to rest and take it easy until we find you a donor and pop in that working heart into your chest. Until then, you have to take care of yourself. Think of it as a vacation.”_

_Of course, Kyungsoo had adamantly fought against the idea until he fainted dead away soon after he said “No.” Which, as anyone could tell, didn’t do his argument much justice. He had woken up on the bed in Junmyeon’s consultation room hours later, with the cardiologist shoving a bus ticket into his face._

_“What if I faint again while traveling?” he’d asked weakly, not entirely sure of what he was arguing for anymore._

_“Don’t be silly. This ticket isn’t for another week. We’d stabilize you first. And that means lots of bed rest.” Was his friend’s only reply._

That very same ticket, of course, had brought him to the place of unbearable temperature. A hotdog stand that likely had a booming business during the summer days stood desolate under the blazing sun. The young man in a black cap manning it didn't even raise his head from the book in his hand when Kyungsoo ambled nearer.

There weren't even hotdogs on the grill, and Kyungsoo decided that the stall wasn't in business during the offseason either. Of course, it wasn't. That would be impractical. He didn't feel social enough to ask the guy behind the stand any questions, so Kyungsoo looked around some more.

Three minutes out of the bus and already he was on an aimless journey. He bit his lip to keep himself from huffing in annoyance lest the stranger asked him what was wrong with him. He doubted the possibility of it though, as he could hear the faint sounds coming from the guy’s earphones. A book and earphones were the epitome of _Don’t talk to_ _me_ after all.

A little ways further was a coffee shop, and Kyungsoo raised a brow when he noticed its presence. Funny place to locate a café. But he wasn't complaining. He was more likely to find a cold beverage there than from the non-functioning, non-welcoming hotdog stand. Of course, he had to stay away from caffeine, so who was he kidding. He could use some shelter from the sweltering heat, though. He just hoped to the high heavens they had air conditioning in there.

He shifted his bag to rest more comfortably on his shoulder and started the short but agonizingly hot walk to the coffee shop. He hoped fervently that it was, at the very least, open.

It was. The bells above the door jangled a welcome when Kyungsoo pushed his way into the shop. In a brief moment of disappointment, he noted that the inside of the shop was even warmer and stuffier than the outside. Of course, the discovery didn't shock him, as his "vacation" has already been decidedly doomed from the start. Kyungsoo knew he was being pessimistic, but he couldn’t help it. The heat was getting into his head.

A guy who had been sitting at the bar turned so abruptly to face the door at the sound. He squinted at the sight of Kyungsoo before his eyes widened in surprise. He was pretty, noted Kyungsoo in an offhand observation. The boy's wide eyes gave him the look of a deer caught in the headlights, and his long lashes and sparkly vitreous humor only helped with the image.

Deer-face ran a hand through his messy brown hair, flustered. His mouth had popped open in his surprise. "Minseok, you've got a customer," he spoke in a voice that Kyungsoo wouldn't have pegged on someone with such feminine looks. He swiveled on his chair once more to tap something or someone behind the bar.

In a flash, the barista (or someone who Kyungsoo assumed was the barista, given his outfit) popped up from behind the bar. He too wore a surprised look on his face. His complexion and face shape reminded Kyungsoo of a steamed bun, but that illusion was just caused by the heat. Or so he justified in his mind.

"Good day! Welcome to Exotic Brews." piped up baozi with his expression shifting to a friendly smile.

Bambi-boy had also turned back to grin at Kyungsoo. "Hi! You're like the first customer here in ages," he added.

That explained the shocked expressions on their faces, Kyungsoo concluded. They probably thought he was a mirage or something. Thinking of mirages also brought him back to the pressing concern of the unbearable heat. "Do you have water?" he asked, licking his cracking lips in a futile attempt to moisturize them (he also knew that was no way to moisturize them but meh). "It’s so hot out there I think I'm about to crumble into sand." Which, given his present circumstances, might actually be a better fate, but who knows, right?

The two boys spurred into action right away. Pretty boy rushed to turn on the air conditioner sitting unused at the corner of the shop. The one called Minseok opened the fridge to grab a pitcher of cold water. He poured some of it into a glass which he then handed over to Kyungsoo.

The parched customer took it with a mumble of "Thanks." before drinking it all down. When the aircon kicked in, the shop seemed to become less suffocating than when he had first entered.

His head cleared, Kyungsoo remembered his manners. “Thank you, really.” He mumbled, bowing gratefully.

The bartender grinned. “Sure, no problem. I’m Minseok, and this is Luhan.” He replied, pointing to himself and pretty boy in introduction. Luhan gave a friendly wave, still smiling in such a vibrant manner that made Kyungsoo sure his life-span just extended twenty years. _Suho would be glad to know that,_ he thought dryly.

“Kyungsoo.” He replied, bowing again.

“Nice to meet you, Kyungsoo. Now tell us, what brings you here to the seaside at this time of the year?” Luhan asked, walking back to his seat at the bar, motioning for Kyungsoo to take a seat as well.

Kyungsoo obliged, taking a seat at the table closest to the bar. “Vacation. My life was getting too hectic and someone suggested I take a vacation, so I did.” No need to get into much detail and burden the kind people with the knowledge of his quickly deteriorating life span.

The two boys nodded. Kyungsoo was glad they didn’t decide to ask any more questions, as he wasn’t too keen about the possibility of being forced to tell them about why he was really there. He wasn’t big on life sharing, especially significant personal specific details like that he could die any moment if he wasn’t careful.

“You have to excuse our gawking at you a while ago. We don’t get many visitors here during these months.” Luhan continued, smiling sheepishly.

Kyungsoo smiled back. “It’s alright. That’s understandable, really.” 

Minseok leaned forward on the bar. “So, how long are you staying?”

“I actually don’t know. Until I’m called back, I guess.” Kyungsoo shrugged. That was the truth. He was fairly sure Junmyeon wouldn’t let him go back until they found him a donor. And that could range from tomorrow to a pretty long time, as he knew from experience. For the first time, the implication of the length of his “vacation” hit Kyungsoo, and he frowned.

Before the conversation could proceed, the bells jangled again. All three of them turned towards the door and watched as the boy from the hotdog stand entered the café and headed straight for the bar. “Hey, Sehun.” Minseok greeted the newcomer. Luhan smiled widely. Seriously, the guy’s smile could cure cancer, Kyungsoo thought again.

The boy looks up from his book and gives a little bow. “Hi, hyungs. I saw that you had a guest and came over to join the fun.” He turned to Kyungsoo and nodded. “Hi.” His voice sounded flat, and Kyungsoo thought he saw the flash of what was supposed to be a smile which disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.

“Sehun, this is Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo, Sehun. He works at the hotdog stand by the bus stop during the summer. Ha _hangs out_ at the hotdog stand when it’s not. He’s not the most welcoming person in the world either, as you may have noticed. But once you get to know him he’s pretty decent.” Luhan quipped.

“I’m standing right here, hyung,” Sehun responded with a mock-offended expression. Luhan laughed and reached over to close his gaped mouth by cupping his chin and nudging it upwards.

Kyungsoo returned the greeting with a tentative smile. “Hello. Nice to meet you.”

“Kyungsoo’s here for a vacation.” Minseok filled Sehun in as he handed him a glass of water.

The aforementioned boy raised his glance from the glass on the table. “Right. About that, I was wondering if you guys could tell me where I could stay while I’m on this ex-tended vacation.” He meant to say exile, but that would have been a silly (intentional) slip of the tongue.

Minseok and Luhan shook their heads in unison. “The only hotel here is a total dump.” They said by way of explanation, ever synchronized. Kyungsoo would have thought it weird, had he not experienced the same synchronicity with Junmyeon during their med school days. You hang out with people long enough, you just mesh into one eventually.

“It’s also a total rip-off. In or out-season… especially during the in-season.” Sehun added, setting down his book on the counter as he sipped his water. “We wouldn’t wish a stay in it even to our worst enemies.”

Kyungsoo’s already wide eyes widened a fraction more. “You can’t be serious.”

The three emitted long sighs of absolute dread. “We wish we were. It’s one of the reasons people don’t come back here a lot. Imagine how crappy our tourism is.” Minseok said, rummaging around the bar.

“Hey, you could stay with Kai.” Sehun piped up again, wrestling his book out of Luhan’s grasp who had somehow managed to grab it from the counter earlier. Luhan stopped struggling with Sehun and dropped his hands in surprise. “Kai’s looking for a roommate?” Even Minseok stopped what he was doing and shared a confused glance with Luhan.

“Um, who’s Kai?” Kyungsoo asked timidly from his seat, afraid to disturb whatever the silent communication was about.

“Kim Jongin, another friend of ours. He’s been looking for a roommate.” Sehun explained, shooting the other two a tell-you-later glance. “He’s on his way here, by the way, so if you’re interested you can talk to him then.”

“Thanks, but I really wouldn’t want to impose…”

“You won’t be. Kai’s been looking for someone to room with for a while now.”

“How awhile now, exactly?” Minseok hissed under his breath, with Luhan nodding empathically in agreement.

Sehun raised a hand toward them and took another sip of his water. “Awhile.” Was his only reply as he set down his glass.

Kyungsoo shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “You guys have known me 30 minutes now, tops. And this Kai and I haven’t even met. I’m grateful for the offer, but I really wouldn’t want to be a bother. I’d stay at the hotel. I’m sure it won’t be…”

“Now that would be a tragedy.” A new voice said from the doorway, rich, deep, and simply fascinating. All four occupants of the café swiveled in surprise to face the tall boy with sun-kissed skin standing there. Kyungsoo couldn’t help but notice the way the boy’s white top barely passed for clothing with how see-through it was. It might have been long-sleeved and loose, but if left pretty much nothing to the imagination. Shaking his head to clear the direction his thoughts had taken, he looked back up at the boy’s face. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear.” He said, suddenly flustered when he looked right back at Kyungsoo.

“I didn’t hear you come in,” Sehun muttered at the newcomer.

Luhan looked at the chimes hung up on the door dubiously. “We never hear you come in. Are you sure you can’t teleport?” he asked. Kyungsoo glanced at Minseok in confusion and the other boy just mouthed _Kai_ as a reply.

The newcomer just laughed, and god forbid if Kyungsoo didn’t magically grow a new heart when he did and shook his head. “For the last time, hyung. No, I don’t know how to teleport.” He gave a shy smile in Kyungsoo’s direction hand reaching up to muss his hair in the process, further lengthening the boy’s lifespan to… another hundred more years or so? “Hi. I’m sorry to have interrupted, but it would be a crime against yourself if you stay at that sorry excuse for a hotel.”

Kyungsoo couldn’t do anything but nod slowly. “Right.” He licked his lips, mentally berating himself about moisture once more. “I’m now convinced that either you’re all just really friendly and the hotel is really crap or that this entire town is in on some conspiracy and eats people together in a feast every full moon, which would explain the consistency in warning me off the hotel.”

This caused another burst of laughter from Kai’s lips, and even Sehun cracked an amused smile. “Could be both.” Kai amended, nodding sagely but still with a smile on his face. “But we’ve decided not to eat you.” He added. “Kai.” He said, holding out his hand to Kyungsoo.

“Kyungsoo.”, he responded, shaking the other boy’s hand. He didn’t catch the surprised looks that Minseok and Luhan shared from their places behind the bar. “Alright,” Kyungsoo sighed, “I’ll bite. I heard you were looking for a roommate?”

Kai glanced at Sehun briefly and nodded. “Uh-huh. Are you interested?”

Kyungsoo pondered upon it. He mused that when Junmyeon told him to go on a vacation, he didn’t expect him to go around staying with strangers. _‘But why the hell not?’_ thought Kyungsoo, as he nodded. He was on vacation. And vacations were for doing things you wouldn’t normally do. “Yeah, I am.” He answered, looking back up at Kai.

The smile that broke out on Kai’s face could probably outshine a hundred suns (not that they needed it with the one working so hard to swelter them with heat outside) when he nodded enthusiastically. “Alright! I can take you to check it out right now if you want. _Unless _you’re the kind of person who eats people on full moons?”

Kyungsoo couldn’t help but laugh, surprised at how quick his mood had turned in the few minutes he’d known these people. “No, I’m not. And yes, I’d love to see it.”

After Kyungsoo had agreed, Sehun volunteered to accompany them. “But first,” the poker-faced boy said. “We need to clarify something.”

Everyone else shared puzzled glances. “What?” Kai asked, leaning on the door.

“How old are you?” Sehun asked the wide-eyed Kyungsoo.

“Oh.” The pale boy chuckled as he replied with his age. He knew he was a bit of a babyface, so he wasn't surprised at the stunned responses.

“Wow. I could have sworn I was older.” Kai mumbled in surprise, and even Sehun looked a bit taken aback. “You’re our hyung, then.”

“That definitely makes _us_ your hyungs.” Luhan smiled at the counter, pointing to himself and Minseok. It was Kyungsoo’s turn to look stunned. “Yeah, we look younger than those two.” Luhan laughed, pointing at Sehun and Kai. “But we’re really not."

“Well,” Kyungsoo breathed out. “At least we cleared that up.” The five boys laughed.

Still smiling, Kai volunteered to help Kyungsoo out with his bags. “You don’t have to-.”Kyungsoo tried to decline, but before he’d even finished, Kai was already out the door, with Sehun bounding close behind.

“Come on, hyung,” Sehun said excitedly.

Kyungsoo turned slowly to the two boys he’d first met. “Um, those two aren’t stealing my bags, are they?”

Minseok grinned. “No. Have some faith, please.” And Luhan smiled.

Kyungsoo smiled sheepishly in return. “It’s just that, you guys are too kind to a stranger like me.”

“We’re always on the lookout for new friends, even Sehun.” Luhan quipped, picking up the empty glasses on the counter and Kyungsoo’s table. “It gets boring with just the four of us all the time.”

“I see. Well, I have to be going, considering I don’t know where we’re going, and those two could be halfway there already.” Kyungsoo stood and bowed to hyungs. “Thank you for your hospitality, hyungs.”

“Don’t worry, they’re probably waiting for you at the bus stop.” Minseok chuckled, grabbing the glasses from Luhan’s outstretched arm to wash them at the sink.

“Kyungsoo, before you go, can we please talk to you about something?” Luhan asked, his face and tone suddenly somber.

Kyungsoo stopped short of opening the door and turned around. “Sure, what is it?” He figured it had something to do with the suspicious glances the two older boys had shared at each mention of Kai’s name.

Luhan glanced at Minseok and the other boy gave a short nod in response. “You see, Kai has just been through a really bad time in his life. He’s a very emotionally-driven kid and gets easily attached to people. We’re not telling you this so you’d feel obligated, but just to inform you that his last roommate had left him in a bad place, emotion-wise. He’s just started getting better and… we’re concerned about him. Again, we don’t mean to make you feel obligated by telling you this. Just so you know, you know?”

“It’s okay. I understand, Luhan-hyung. Please, for his sake then, spare me the cushioned version.” Kyungsoo replied, sensing that there was more to it. Being a physically-compromised person himself and a doctor, he knew the value of knowing what people needed to cope with their circumstances. “Tell me what I need to know.”

Luhan bit his lip. “He’s… depressed. It’s been getting better lately, so you needn’t worry about any episodes, but…” he trailed off, shrugging.

“I understand perfectly, hyung. Don’t worry. It’s not a bother at all.” Kyungsoo had smiled sadly, knowing what Luhan must have been feeling then. He’s seen it enough where he worked. “And please trust me when I say that I can handle it.”

“You could?” Minseok frowned.

“Yes. I… I know someone.” A.k.a. his college self with his brief period of depression, but there was no need to mention that, was there?

“Really, Kyungsoo-yah. Please don’t feel like you’re responsible. I just told you so you’d know…” Luhan fretted.

Kyungsoo shook his head. “No. I mean it. I like Kai, he seems like a nice kid, so it’s not like I’m forcing myself into anything here. And thank you for telling me, but in a way, I already knew.”

“How?” Now it was Luhan’s turn to frown in confusion.

“I told you, I know someone. I can tell.” He doesn’t mention that he sees it often enough in his workplace as well. “Plus, the bandages?” It’s true, Kai’s left wrist had bandages wrapped around it, something which caught Kyungsoo’s eyes early on in the introduction. He’d chosen not to comment on it, already having had an idea what they were. (Partly because he’d been unabashedly ogling the younger boy’s fitness before he took notice of the bandages.)

Minseok’s eyes widened. “Oh. I hope you didn’t agree to be his roommate out of pity, Kyungsoo-yah.” He pouted, seemingly upset.

Kyungsoo shook his head once more. “No, definitely not. Please trust me when I say that because that would have been just wrong. I think I’d like getting to know you all a lot. Also, I heard that the hotel around here is absolute crap. ”

Luhan laughed first, and that seemed to have ebbed away Minseok’s guarded expression as well. The two older boys were smiling as Kyungsoo waved goodbye at them. He opened the door to the blasted heat outside and saw two figures at the distance, one waving enthusiastically for him to hurry up.

\--

The place was surprisingly presentable, and not the abandoned warehouse Kyungsoo had briefly imagined his new captors- _er, friends_, would take him to.

“It’s not much, but it definitely beats the hotel.” Kai grinned.

“Even a rat hole would be better than the hotel.’ Sehun added dryly, heading straight for what appeared to be the kitchen.

Luhan and Minseok had stayed at the café but promised to close up shop early and head over later.

Kyungsoo looked around. They were in a reasonably sized living room, and two similar doors that led to what he assumed were the bedrooms. The kitchen was small but enough for two people to move around in. The vibe all over the place was homey. It was cluttered, but not too much that would have made Kyungsoo run for the hills, or, in his case, the local hotel.

“I like it.” He finally spoke up. “Looks comfortable enough to me.”

An even bigger smile lit up Kai’s face. “Great! I’ve been looking for a roommate forever. Those three,” he motioned in Sehun’s direction, “All have their own houses so they can’t room with me. I’m so relieved you like it.”

Sehun rummaged in the refrigerator and called out from behind its door. “Jongin-ah. You don’t have anything in your refrigerator to eat.” He closed the door and pouted at his friend.

Kai laughed at that. “Of course not. Why do you think I’ve been eating over at the café for weeks now?”

“Wow.” Sehun deadpanned. “Hyung, I really hope you can cook.” He said, turning to face Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo smiled. “I think I can handle myself in the kitchen just fine. Now, if you could just show me the way to the local market, I could prepare lunch for all three of us.”

Sehun walked over to him enthusiastically, taking no time to link his arm through Kyungsoo’s. “Awesome. I love you already, hyung.”

Kyungsoo laughed and patted the younger boy’s head affectionately. He’d grow to like these boys faster than he’d imagined.

“Heeey. Don’t put a premium on my new roommate.” Kai whined, grabbing Kyungsoo’s other arm possessively.

“Now boys, don’t turn me from hyung to umma so fast.” Kyungsoo laughed as they walked out of the apartment.

\--

Two months later, they have a get-together to celebrate the Sehun and Luhan’s joint pre-birthday. Kyungsoo had been adjusting well in his new routine, which consisted mostly of being dragged around by Sehun and Jongin around the beach and hanging out at the café. He’s grown to know his hyungs better as well, as the café barely had any business those days and they mostly end up talking. Surprisingly, it’s been easy eluding any allusions to his condition and ‘other life’, mostly by telling them about his undergrad life and earlier points of his life.

Minseok and Jongin had tipped Kyungsoo about the surprise party a few weeks before, and Sehun had begun to grow suspicious and jealous of Kai ‘monopolizing his Kyungsoo-hyung’ almost every day. They’d mostly been preparing the apartment for the party and stacking up the supplies that they would be needing. Minseok even came over after work a few times and helped them with it.

The day before the party, Minseok had faked sickness and sneaked off to Jongin and Kyungsoo’s apartment to all-out prepare with them, leaving Luhan to man the café along with Sehun. They’d had to ward off a concerned Luhan trying to visit Minseok at his house by assuring him that Kyungsoo would drop by. To keep up the act, Jongin even dropped by at the café for a few hours to keep the other two off the scent. 

On the day of the party, Minseok met with Luhan at the bus stop, just as they do every day. But instead of walking over to the café as they usually do, he surprised his best friend by leading him towards the direction of their friend’s apartment. “Minseok, what’s going on? Aren’t we going to open the café?”

Minseok smirked at Luhan. “Oh come on, customers are just about as rare as a meeting a person who has telekinesis and/or can control ice these days and you know it.”

“Yeah, but…”

“Hey, isn’t that Sehun?” Minseok pointed at a figure walking towards the same apartment they’re headed for, coming from the other direction. Luhan promptly shut up and looked at where he was pointing, and Minseok snickered softly as they stopped to talk to the other boy.

“Hyungs? What are you doing here?” Sehun asked at the same time as Luhan asked: “Sehun-ah, what are you doing here?”

“Kai asked me to meet him here, he said he wanted to walk over to the café together,” Sehun responded, after an awkward pause to determine who’d answer first.

“I don’t know, but Umin pulled me here, the café forgone, apparently,” Luhan says in turn, and pointed at Minseok, calling him by one of his nicknames.

“Come on, let’s go up to the apartment while we’re at it, I haven’t seen Kyungsoo in a while anyway.” Minseok fibs smoothly, walking just a bit ahead of the other two. He sent a quick text to Kyungsoo and from a short distance heard the sound of the bolt of his friends’ apartment door being unlocked. He opened the door and walks inside, two confused boys right behind him.

Jongin and Kyungsoo are in the living room, grinning. “Surprise!” All three co-conspirators shouted, shocking both Luhan and Sehun.

“Advanced happy birthday you two!” Kyungsoo smiled, clapping his hands in front of their faces to snap them out of their dazed states.

Sehun’s jaw dropped in comprehension before he starts soundlessly squealing with both of his hands covering his face. “He’s so happy.” Kai laughed. “Sehunnie only smooshes his face when he’s happy.”

Luhan was crying, on the other hand. Minseok laughed and pulled his best friend into a tight hug, “Oh dear, there goes your loose tears again.”

Luhan shook his head aggressively against his friend’s shoulder. “I’m not crying. I’m manly.” He muttered, wiping his happy tears away. Minseok only laughed harder and patted his back in return.

The rest of the day goes on without a hitch, with everyone moaning about how good Kyungsoo’s kimchi spaghetti was. Luhan sheds a few tears once more when he and Sehun are presented with their gifts, but only because he’s laughing so hard at Kai’s ‘practical’ gifts.

Since the entire day is dedicated to celebrating Luhan and Sehun, they all end up lounging around the whole day, eating, playing games and watching movies. At some point during the afternoon, Kai becomes aloof and droopy, with Sehun being the first one to notice. He puts a hand on his best friend’s shoulder to silently ask him if he was okay and Kai only nods.

Kyungsoo noticed next, as Luhan and Minseok were currently deeply engrossed in a soccer game on the TV. He’s sitting right next to Jongin and takes both of the younger boy’s hands in his, leaning closer to whisper something in his ear. They both stand and walk over to the kitchen, Sehun looking gratefully at their hyung.

Jongin sat down on a chair and Kyungsoo kneeled in front of him, still holding his hands and murmuring. Luhan looked away from the TV and sees them there, and nudged Minseok. The three left in the living room share smiles before returning their attention to the TV. 

Soon, the other two rejoin them. Kai once again, even if for just a bit, energized and smiling as he playfully smacked Sehun’s thigh when he sits back down beside him. Kyungsoo with plates, chopsticks, and a bowl of kimchi spaghetti, offered them all a third serving which everyone gladly accepted.

\--

It’s a few months later when Kyungsoo decided to take up on Minseok’s offer to sing at the café.

_He’d mentioned his passion for singing once on a night out and since then his new friends had been clamoring for a sample. Once he’d humored them, Xiumin had always lamented to him how he should sing at the café once the tourist season comes. “Please, Kyungsoo-yah? It’d raise the café’s appeal, I swear. I’ll even pay you.” He’d said once until Kyungsoo said he’d consider it. Not because of the money, as he had enough and more to support himself, but really because he had nothing much to do, and he’d like to help his friends out. He just had to start learning how to sing in public… _sober. _Karaoke nights with Junmyeon hadn’t exactly been alcohol-free. Of course, that was all before _the diagnosis_ and he had to watch his alcohol intake._

The slow steady pour of tourists in town indicated that summer is just around the corner, and Kyungsoo’s new job proved beneficial for the café, as Xiumin had predicted. “That was a far better crowd we’ve had in all the years the coffee shop has existed _combined_.” Luhan grinned at Kyungsoo widely as the five of them sat down for a late dinner in his and Jongin’s apartment one night. “Your voice is really something, Kyungsoo-yah!”

Kyungsoo blushed at the compliment. “It’s really nothing, Luhan-hyung.”

Jongin sat down beside him, putting his arm across his hyung’s shoulders in the process. His roommate shifted slightly to accommodate him, not bothered in the slightest, having grown accustomed to his clinginess during the first few weeks of his stay. Junmyeon had been the same in med school, especially when he’s had a few drinks. But of course, Kyungsoo didn’t have to deal with that daily the way he had to with Kai. He didn’t mind at all, truth to be told. He’d grown affectionate of the younger boy over the weeks. Indeed, he’d initially been physically attracted, but as he grew to know Jongin better, he realized that there was so much more to like and appreciate about him than just mere physicality. Kai was warm, funny, considerate, and cared a lot about his friends. Kyungsoo didn’t _exactly _have a crush on him, but he held a certain respectable admiration and affection for his dongsaeng.

There’d been days when Kai would wake up half past noon and wander over to the kitchen listlessly to eat breakfast, only to fall back asleep on the couch after he’d eaten, and Kyungsoo had been patient with him. He knew the feeling all too well. The younger boy seemed to notice and appreciate it, as soon enough he’d begun clinging to Kyungsoo whenever they were in the same room. It had started with his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder but soon grew into full-blown hugs and cuddles. The others had noticed nearly as soon as it had started but didn’t comment. It’s been far too long since they’ve seen Kai that way, and they welcomed it gratefully. Sehun wasn’t any different, as he’d grown to clinging to Kyungsoo as well. Mostly to ask for food, but still.

Minseok reached for another dumpling with his chopsticks, chewing thoughtfully. “With all the income we’ve been getting lately, I’m considering giving you a raise.” He said as he reveled in the way Kyungsoo’s eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets.

“H-hyung, you really don’t have to do it. Keep it for the café. I can support myself well enough. W-what I mean is, I appreciate it. A lot. But you really don’t need to give me a raise.” He sputtered, nearly dropping his chopsticks in the noodles. Beside him, Kai laughed softly, and Kyungsoo felt the other boy’s body shaking with mirth.

Minseok and Luhan laughed as well. “Alright, alright. If you say so.”

Sehun raised his eyes from the samgyeopsal he’d been assembling for the past few minutes and asked, “Hyung, you know, I’ve been wondering about that.”

Kyungsoo glanced at him, smiling. “About what, Sehun-ah?”

“Now now, Sehun, don’t be rude,” Luhan warned, gaining himself a glare from the boy.

“You’re obviously well-to-do. I mean, I don’t know where it comes from, but I can tell you’ve got money, so I surmised you must have had a pretty stable job before you came here. So… why did you decide to have a vacation here, of all places?”

Kyungsoo didn’t know how to answer that, considering it was Junmyeon who had bought the ticket and all, but he thought a reason up at the moment just so he could say something. “I wanted to go somewhere low-key. I had to get away from a hectic environment, so if I’d gone to the more popular places to be, there really would have been no chance I’d get the peace I wanted.” He assumed that the same thought pattern had been the reason Junmyeon chose the place for him, given the circumstances of his health.

Sehun nodded thoughtfully, shoving the lettuce overflowing with fried pork belly in his mouth as he did so. Kai looked at Kyungsoo then and smiled. “Well, I’m glad you came here, hyung. And I really hope you stay longer.”

Kyungsoo smiled back. “Trust me, I am too. And you have my promise that I’ll stay for as long as I can.” And he meant it.

\--

And he does. Before they knew it, Kyungsoo was celebrating Christmas and New Year with them. A few weeks after New Year’s they all get together to celebrate Kai’s birthday. The famous kimchi spaghetti was featured yet again, and Jongin wasted no time in complimenting his hyung’s cooking. Sehun could only groan contentedly in assent.

Later that night after everyone else has left, Kyungsoo was cleaning up in the kitchen when he heard his roommate approaching. Kai leaned on the door frame of the kitchen (it didn’t have a door, just a frame). “Hey, hyung?”

Kyungsoo looked up from washing the dishes and turned to face him. “Yeah?”

“You never told us when your birthday is.”

Kyungsoo fidgeted and turned his attention back to the plates that he had been scrubbing. “Why do you want to know so bad?” he asked, thinking back to the text message that he had received from Junmyeon two days prior.

_Happy Birthday, Kyungsoo!_  
I hope you’re doing well since I texted you on New Year’s Eve. :)  
Rest well and keep on enjoying your vacation.  
Saranghae, dongsaeng!

Kai pouted. “So we could celebrate it with you? You’re part of our curious little family now too.” He walked over and stood behind Kyungsoo, poking his sides for good measure.

“Yah! Kim Jongin, do not tickle people who know exactly how to kill you by strangulation!” Kyungsoo retorted, splashing at Kai. Jongin apparently took this as a challenge and proceeded to tickle him. Kyungsoo squirmed and laughed, hitting the other boy with his gloved hands and a soapy spatula. “Stop it, you’re killing me!” he laughed, wincing belatedly at the implication- and the sort of truth, behind his words.

Jongin stopped and grinned, soap suds all over his hair and face. “Come on, hyung, just tell me.”

Kyungsoo looked at him, removing the gloves in the process. “If I tell you, you’d have to finish cleaning up in here, even though it’s still technically your birthday for another 13 minutes or so.”

Kai nodded enthusiastically. “Okay. I’ll finish cleaning up.”

Kyungsoo walked away and headed towards his bedroom door. “It’s on January 12th.” He said softly, before closing and locking the door in Kai’s face.

Jongin’s eyes widened in realization. “_HYUNG!”_

Of course, Kyungsoo arrived at the café the next day (after cleaning up in the kitchen, as Jongin had fallen asleep outside of his door banging and whining about _how he couldn’t have told them_ and ended up forgoing his end of the deal) to a surprise, belated, impromptu celebration held by his friends.

He shot a look at Kai and raised his brow. The younger boy just shrugged and smiled sheepishly at him. Kyungsoo couldn’t help but grin despite himself.

\--

“Taemin,” Kai said one day as he dropped his head onto Kyungsoo’s lap as the elder sat on the sofa.

“What?” Kyungsoo asked, confused. He had managed to maneuver his plate of laver to safety just before the younger boy had slumped his body down beside him. Timidly, he set the plate down on the table in front of him and peered at Kai’s closed eyes. “What did you say, Kai?”

Kai sighed and opened his eyes, snuggling closer to his hyung. “My old roommate. His name was Taemin. He was my best friend too, before Sehun. Sehun only moved here a few years back, but Taemin and I had known each other since we were kids. We moved here together because we’d always dreamed of living near the ocean.”

Kyungsoo hummed, absentmindedly caressing Kai’s cheek. “You don’t have to tell me this, Kai.”

Kai shook his head. “No. No, I want to. You’ve been nothing but understanding, and you never even once said anything about my depression, though it’s clear that you know about it. I think it’s only fair that I tell you this, hyung.” He began picking at his scar in apprehension before Kyungsoo stopped him with just a touch on his hand.

Kyungsoo looked at him and nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay, well…” Kai sighed again, clearly gathering his courage. Kyungsoo waited patiently. “Living near the beach was just one of the many dreams that Taemin and I shared. We also shared a passion for dancing, and we both dreamt of making it big in the industry. So we studied at a studio in the next town for years on end, until our bodies and souls were worn out. I didn’t expect it to get to me, but it did. The anxiety attacks followed soon until there were days when Taemin had to go to the studio alone because I couldn’t even get out of bed. Sometimes he’d stay at home and take care of me, of my phantom sicknesses, but I convinced him to keep going to the studio even without me. One day, when I began losing track of time, he came home excitedly, waving a letter in the air. I had just woken up and wanted nothing more than to keep sleeping, but Taemin pulled me out of bed to share the good news. One of the big agencies in the city had scouted him at the recital I was forced to miss participating in because of my excessive absences and they wanted him. They asked him to train with them. He wanted so badly to say yes, I knew. It was our dream, after all. But then he looked at me and said, _‘You know I can’t go without you, Kim Jongin.’_” Tears were brimming in Kai’s eyes, and Kyungsoo wiped them away gently with his thumbs.

“But I knew how bad he wanted to go. It’s not his fault that what happened to me happened. It wasn’t even my fault, either. We’d been on our way to our dreams, but the depression got to me first. It had been so frustrating, but it was no one’s fault. So I told him to go. He was torn about it at first, but it’s not like he wasn’t excited to finally be a trainee. He told me he’d write and visit, and I told him that he’d better, but of course, he never did. His schedule and management made all of that impossible. We couldn’t even communicate through the phone because he’d been so busy. That’s when I first started to… um…” Kai motioned to his scar once more, and Kyungsoo only nodded silently, reaching over to grab his wrist and run his fingers on the scar soothingly.

Kai’s lips quivered, and Kyungsoo murmured. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

“I was so close, hyung. I could have been there with my best friend. S-so close. And I couldn’t do anything, no matter how bad I wanted to. I couldn’t even bring myself to stand, much less dance. But I wanted to, hyung. I _needed _to. I hated Taemin for leaving me, but I also hated myself for hating him.” The tears were falling and Kai had sat up, his body shaking with sobs.

Kyungsoo wrapped his arms around Kai’s waist comfortingly, his chest pressed against his dongsaeng’s back.

A few minutes later, Jongin straightened up, embarrassed. “I don’t know how you do it, hyung.” He grimaced.

“Do what?” Kyungsoo asked, confused.

“Act like there’s nothing wrong with me. Sehun and the other two hyungs are my friends too, but sometimes they don’t seem to understand as well as you do.” Jongin responded, turning to face Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo bit his lip. “I went through a similar phase in my life.” He sighed, pushing back his sweater’s sleeve to show Kai the faint outline of a scar long-gone, a line across his wrist different shade than his skin. “So I know how it feels.”

Kai let out a breath of surprise. “But you seem so fine now…”

Kyungsoo nodded solemnly. “And you will be too, through time. And we’ll all be here for you.” He responded, reaching over to press his scar against Jongin’s own. “Someday your scar would look like this, a ghost of a distant memory. It will always be part of you, but you’ll be able to leave the sadness behind.”

Jongin’s eyes began to water again. “Thank you, Kyungsoo-hyung.” He manages to whisper before breaking down in tears again. “I-I want to be strong like you. To never want to kill myself again, to never have a reason to want to do that to myself again.”

“And you will.” Kyungsoo agreed, reaching up to wipe the younger boy’s tears.

_But,_ he thought, _unlike me, I hope that your own body will not be killing you by itself instead._

\--

“Hyung! Sehun and I are going cliff-jumping. Wanna come?” Kai asked excitedly, bounding over to Kyungsoo who was reading a book outside the café.

Kyungsoo mentally pleaded with the lord to just take him right there and then, but of course, it didn’t work. “Uhm, I can’t.”

“Can’t?” Jongin pouted, looking ridiculously like a dejected puppy.

“Y-eah, I… have a fear of heights.” Well, that was a better excuse than _‘Because it might kill me.’_

“But… won’t these kinds of activities help you get over that fear? Come on hyung, please?”

Kyungsoo stood up from his seat, gingerly set his book down on the table, and was barely prepared when he began to be dragged by his two enthusiastic dongsaengs to a steep rock formation where the tourists seemed to enjoy jumping a lot from.

They’ve reached the top of the cliff. Heart hammering in his chest, Kyungsoo tried again. “I… I have a weak heart for these kind things.” His heart was weak in general, but he chose not to mention that. He didn’t want to outright say that he had a heart condition, as he had successfully skirted around that fact for the past months he’d been around.

Sehun had already jumped, laughing and yelling in the process, and Kai was about to follow him when he turned and saw how pale Kyungsoo’s face had become. “Hyung?”

Kyungsoo knew his breaths were coming out short and uneven, and that being on the verge of a panic attack wasn’t exactly what Junmyeon wanted him to get from his “vacation”. “I-I… I…” he stammered, stumbling to scramble away from the edge lest he faints and falls. 

People were starting to stare. Sehun was shouting for them in the water, wondering what was taking them so long.

Kyungsoo felt the heat crawling over his body, the prickling sensation of being watched heavy on his neck. He gasped, trying to get as much oxygen in his system and failing when he could do nothing else but to keep gasping and not exhaling properly. His heartbeats were erratic, and sweat began to form on his face.

“Hyung!” Kai kneeled in front of him, shielding him from the curious looks that people were sending their way. “Hyung, are you okay?”

“No… I-I need to…” _get my medications_

“Sehun-ah! Go get Luhan-hyung!” Kai shouted at Sehun over his shoulder, turning back to Kyungsoo just after he’d seen his friend nod from below the cliff. “Hey, Kyungsoo-hyung. I’m right here, okay? Sehun’s on his way with Luhan-hyung. Keep breathing. Come on. Breathe with me.” He grasped Kyungsoo’s arms in a tight grip, steadying the older boy.

“I’m sorry, I…” Kyungsoo breathed, still heaving to catch his breath. Not good. If he kept on he’d pass out. The familiar discomfort in his chest was back, and he clutched his chest in pain. “Shit.” He breathed out, trying to breathe through his mouth. 

For a few moments, Kyungsoo was sure that he was going to pass out, but he found himself being guided by Jongin in breathing, timing his inhales and exhales with the boy. “You got it, hyung. Keep going.” Kai murmured against Kyungsoo’s forehead.

By the time a dripping Sehun arrived with Luhan in tow, the panic attack was nearly over. They arrived to see Kyungsoo’s hands digging into the ground as Kai rubbed his back and murmured continuously to him.

“What happened?” Luhan asked, freaked out.

“Kyungsoo-hyung had a panic attack. I really shouldn’t have dragged him here, he mentioned he was afraid of heights.” Kai shook his head, eyes becoming blurry with tears. “I’m sorry, hyung.” He said to the trembling boy he had pressed against his chest.

Kyungsoo pulled back, breathing laboriously as his pulse began to go back to its normal rate. “It’s fine. You didn’t know.” He whispered, reaching up to ruffle Kai’s hair.

“Come on, let’s get you to the café.” Luhan urged, helping Kyungsoo up and slapping away Sehun’s hand when he offered to help. “Not when you’re dripping wet like that, Sehunnie. Walk ahead and tell Minseok what happened. He’ll know what to do.”

Kai offered to carry Kyungsoo, but the older boy managed to glare at him and say, “I’m not that helpless. Just grab my other arm and support me.”

\--

It was another one of Jongin’s off days when he stayed up until 5 am and woke up at nearly 3 in the afternoon. He found Kyungsoo patiently waiting for him in the kitchen, preparing food. “Sleep well?” Kyungsoo asked as if it was perfectly normal to have a sleep pattern like Kai’s.

Kai nodded but began shaking his head. “I never feel like I get rest even if I sleep, hyung. It’s annoying. I’m tired of feeling this way.” He’d begun scratching idly on the scar on his wrist, and Kyungsoo wordlessly took his hands in his own and massaged them comfortingly.

They found themselves snuggled up on the living room couch that night, watching television. Kyungsoo traced the parts of Kai’s upper body where he knew the nerves were particularly sensitive, grateful for his anatomical knowledge with each hitch in Kai’s breath. “Hyuuung.” Kai whined, burying his face in Kyungsoo’s lap. “Stop, that’s ticklish.”

Kyungsoo laughed and proceeded to thread his fingers through Kai’s hair instead. Within minutes, Kai was sound asleep. Kyungsoo glanced at the clock on the wall and smiled. It was only half-past 8.

\--

Kyungsoo arrived home from a short visit to the café and the hotdog stand one day to see the living room cleared up, all the furniture shoved into the kitchen. He closed the door and was about to call out to his roommate when he saw the exact person whose name he has been meaning to call out smack dab in the middle of the room, moving in fluid motions. Dancing. Kai was dancing. The others had mentioned that Kai danced, and he’d told Kyungsoo about it once before, but Kyungsoo has never seen it with his own eyes. Kai had stopped after Taemin.

But then, right in front of Kyungsoo, he was dancing. His eyes were closed as his body flowed flawlessly from one move to the next. For a moment, Kyungsoo was confused, because there was no music playing. The apartment was quiet save for his roommate’s breathing. But no music. No beat to follow, no rhythm to guide his movements, no melody to sync his movements with. But then, from somewhere within him, Kyungsoo knew what song Kai was dancing to. And it surprised him because it was a song he knew by heart. It was a song he had sung just the previous night at the café.

_He’d noticed Jongin staring at him earnestly in the café as he sang the song, and when he caught his gaze, Kai didn’t look away flustered as he usually did but smirked before smiling right at him. For a split second, the chattering of the other customers in the café ceased in Kyungsoo’s head, and even though he was singing he found himself smiling back._

Kyungsoo found himself smiling once more, entranced as he watched Kai dance in impeccable timing with the song in his head. Before he knew it, he was humming the tune. Kai’s eyes flew open to stare at him, lips parting slightly as he smiled, but he didn’t cease his movements. They went through the song once, twice, thrice, until both of them lost count.

By the time they were done, the sun had set so low in the sky that they were left bathed in the soft glow of nearly disappeared sunlight, both breathing heavily. Kai, because of physical exertion and Kyungsoo of the sheer emotion that the song required of him. One heart in the room was beating furiously faster than the other, but it wasn’t the dancer’s.

“I- I think I need to sit for a moment.” Was Kyungsoo’s winded exclamation, the first that either of them has spoken since he arrived.

Kai nodded, sweat dripping off his chin, and he reached a hand up to wipe it off. He walked over to the couch which he had so haphazardly shoved near the kitchen counter, and slumped on it, too tired to speak. He patted the space beside him and Kyungsoo walked over, sitting in the indicated spot. As soon as he was seated, Kai lazily put his arms around him and shoved his face into Kyungsoo’s neck, sprawling his legs on either side of his hyung. He smelled faintly of sweat, but even more so of soap. Kyungsoo was mildly surprised to find out that he smelled clean more than anything, especially after he had just danced so vigorously. Nevertheless, he let his own hands wander, one to Kai’s hair to run through it and the other to his back, rubbing it in slow, circular patterns. The two have never been intimate in this manner before, but somehow after the afternoon, they had shared it just seemed fitting. They stayed like that for a few moments, just catching their breaths. Once again, everything was quiet in the apartment, save for their breathing. It was a few moments later when Kyungsoo felt the distinct pressure of Kai’s lips on his pulse, setting it to a falter.

“Kai.” The aforementioned boy hummed in response, still with his lips against Kyungsoo’s throat, sending vibrations running down his spine. Kai opened his eyes, long lashes fluttering against the sensitive skin of Kyungsoo’s neck. His pulse staggered once more, before picking up speed. His hands were still in Kai’s hair and on his back. He began to be seriously concerned for his heart, physically speaking. Kai pulled himself upwards until they were face to face, a smile on his lips. Kyungsoo tried not to think where those lips had been just mere seconds before and failed miserably.

“Hi.” Kai’s voice rumbled, low and husky.

“Hi.”

Kai leaned forward, and Kyungsoo met him halfway, small sighs of contentment escaping from both of them as their lips met.

The kiss was short, innocent, but somehow spoke volumes. After they had parted, Kyungsoo leaned over once more to kiss Kai’s temple, knowing full well that the other boy could hear and feel his heart thudding in an uneven staccato in his chest. “You leave me breathless.” And he meant it quite literally.

“Do I make your heart skip a beat?” Kai whispered.

“Yes.” Again, he meant it in an almost literal sense.

“Good, because you make mine do that too,” Kai responded with another kiss, one far less innocent. He swiped his tongue across Kyungsoo’s lower lip and moaned softly. Kyungsoo closed his eyes again as he kissed back, both of his hands tightening their grip on Kai. The dancer’s own hands found themselves entangled behind Kyungsoo’s neck, pulling him flush against Kai with each breath.

Neither of them knew what happened that day, or what exactly changed between them during what transpired that afternoon, or if it had been just that afternoon. But they both knew that when a soul finds another soul, there’s nothing left to do but follow where it leads. 

\--

In Kyungsoo’s case, it led him to the bus stop one rainy morning a few weeks later, suitcases in hand. He noted the poetic contrast of his arrival and departure, of how sunny the day had been when he arrived and how the sky was crying for him on this day. He didn’t have an umbrella, and he sat glumly in the pouring rain, getting more drenched with each passing moment. His turtleneck sweater was soaked, and he’ll be damned if his phone was ever going to work again. Not that he wanted it to, anyway, because of the offending message that had arrived on it late the previous night.

_We have a compatible donor. Come back as soon as you can._

_Kyungsoo had frowned at his phone’s screen, hearing the unsaid ‘The sooner the better’ in his cardiologist’s message. Because he knew. He knew that the sooner he gets the operation, the likelier his survival is going to be. While his current heart can still remotely function and keep his physical body strong enough to receive the new one._

_But then he had looked at the boy sleeping soundlessly beside him, watched the moonlight stream through the curtains to highlight each curve of Jongin’s shirtless back, and asked himself how. How he could leave the boy, how he could ever leave without explaining and saying goodbye. Because he knew that even though he still had the chance to survive the transplant, the chances of him not surviving were higher. His heart still kept him alive, but just barely. No guarantees as to how well the operation could go. As he watched the rise and fall of Kai’s breathing, he had asked himself he could possibly leave. _‘I could stay instead. Stay and never get the operation. I’d die anyway, but at least I’ll be able to stay with him until the end.’_ He had stubbornly thought to himself, fighting back the sobs that were clawing their way out of his throat._

_He’d always known that the day would come when Suho would send him a message, and he prepared for it with all he had. But no one prepared him for the force that was Kim Jongin, the one who would serve as his anchor in the life he was never meant to have in the first place. Kai, the lovely, broken boy who could somehow stop his heart in the best ways and make him forget that there were other reasons to worry about his heart. Kai, who danced as if Kyungsoo’s music was meant for him and him alone._

_Kai, full of life even when he had desperately wanted to end it._

_Kai, the boy who he would end up loving more than life itself._

_Kyungsoo thought of the odds and convinced himself that if they could bring into his life Kim Jongin to love when he expected it least, then they could let him live as well. To live and to love longer, and bring him back to Jongin. And his mind was made. He had shuffled off the bed quietly, packing up his things in silence._

_Once during the night, Kai woke up, lifting his head from the pillow drowsily. “Hyung?” he’d whispered, voice cracking from disuse._

_Kyungsoo had kissed him then, softly and innocently, just like the first one they’ve shared just a few weeks ago. “It’s nothing. Go back to sleep.” He’d whispered, afraid that Kai would rouse and see what he’d been doing. He relaxed when the younger boy’s eyes flickered shut._

_“Okay. I love you.”_

_He froze then. It was the first time either of them had ever said the words out loud to the other, asleep or otherwise. For the next few minutes, he’d sat on the floor, shocked. His heart had thudded loudly and painfully in his chest, and he was reminded of what had steeled his resolve in the first place._

_“I love you, Kai.” His whisper was lost in the darkness, as Jongin had fallen back asleep, but Kyungsoo knew that Kai’s heart heard him loud and clear. The boy had always been led by his heart, so he trusted that same heart to keep his message for the dancer safe._

_But he couldn’t say goodbye. He wouldn’t. Because it wasn’t goodbye if he’d come back._

And so there he was at the bus station, dripping with rain from head to toe, sullenly waiting for the next bus to take him back to the life he’d left behind nearly a year ago. Kyungsoo saw a familiar silhouette holding an umbrella and walking towards him in the distance and cursed under his breath. He wasn’t ready for a confrontation. Not now.

As the figure drew closer, the umbrella tipped upwards to reveal Sehun’s confused expression. “Hyung? What are you doing here? Why do you... why do you have your suitcases with you? Where’s Kai?”

“He’s at home, still asleep.”

“But, isn’t he coming with you? Aren’t you going on a trip?” the younger boy was growing more and more agitated by the minute, his words tripping over each other in his haste to get them out.

“No,” Kyungsoo replied quietly, looking at his shoes. “I’m leaving alone.”

“But why?” the confusion was gone in Sehun’s tone and was replaced by an almost desperate rush of words.

“I’m going back to get a heart transplant. I’m dying, Sehun, I have been since I arrived. And I don’t know if I would come out of the operating room alive. Don’t tell Kai, please. Just don’t. I’d rather his heart be broken by me leaving without explanation than letting him love me, broken as I am. I couldn’t burden him with the thought that he fell in love with someone who was dying. I couldn’t ask that of him. So please, don’t tell him.”

“Do you realize how stupid you’re sounding right now, hyung? You’re leaving him either way!” Sehun gritted his teeth, anger replacing all other emotions he’d displayed previously. “You’d break his fucking heart. More so if you don’t get out of that operating room alive and never actually return. He deserves the truth at least. His love for you deserves it! So if you don’t come back because you didn’t survive, at least he’d have known.”

“I want his memories of me to be untarnished by the fact of my sickness. I know I’ll break his heart by leaving without a goodbye, and it breaks mine to know that. But if I tell him that I’m leaving and quite possibly die but end up coming back, I would have caused him unnecessary grief for nothing.”

“You’d rather let him believe that yet another heartless jerk left him and is off somewhere better without him than tell him the actual truth that you might die? Is that not unnecessary grief as well? You _know _what happens to him when people leave him. You know and you’re still doing this without so much as a goodbye?”

“I’ll come back. I’ll come back and love him with all that my new heart would allow me. I would. So I’m begging you Sehun, don’t tell him. I want to leave here today believing that I would survive and come back, and I wish you would too.”

“You’re an idiot, hyung! A big idiot. If you think this is the way to do it, then you’re stupider than I had thought.” 

The bus was rounding the corner, and Kyungsoo breathed deeply. It was now or never. And he didn’t want to give Sehun the chance to change his mind otherwise. He’d already torn himself apart deciding. “I’m sorry. Please tell Minseok-hyung and Luhan-hyung that. I am. Goodbye, Sehun.” And with that, he left Sehun glaring silently at the horizon and boarded the bus. Only when he was miles away did he allow himself to wipe away the tears and raindrops streaming down his face.

\--

The bus stop was where Minseok and Luhan found Sehun a few minutes later, staring blankly at the road. “Sehun-ah, what are you doing here?” Luhan asked in concern, wrapping his arms around the shivering boy’s shoulders.

Minseok took the younger boy’s umbrella from his tightly clenched fist and held it up over their heads. “What’s wrong, dongsaeng?”

“He’s gone,” Sehun whispered harshly.

“Who is?” Luhan frowned in confusion. “Who’s gone?”

“Kyungsoo hyung. He’s gone. And now the three of us are left to pick up the broken pieces again.” Minseok and Luhan shared a long look and quietly guided Sehun to the café.

\--

“Kyungsoo? Why are you sopping wet? Oh my god, did you go through the entire trip like this? You could get sick!” Junmyeon had exclaimed, as soon as he saw his friend stepping off the bus.

“Any sicker than I already am?” came the harsh whisper from the man who had cried himself raw during the entire bus ride.

Junmyeon took a step back, surprised at Kyungsoo’s response, but then pursed his lips and nodded. “Yes, sicker than you already are. What were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t. You wouldn’t think either, Junmyeon, if your heart died metaphorically just before it does literally.”

Suho looked at the blankness of Kyungsoo’s face and saw the pain bubbling underneath. He sighed. “Come on. We need to get you home. We’ll talk about this later.” He wrapped his arm around his friend and wondered if once again his decision had led his friend to more harm than good.

\--

In the end, they don’t talk about it for a long time. Not until three years later when the odds decided to bring Kim Jongin into the operating room and back into Do Kyungsoo’s life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The original version of Breathless had Kyungsoo's past set only a year ago from the present time, but for the sake of my AU timeline, I had to readjust it in this version. If there are any inconsistencies prior to this and from here on out, forgive me!


	3. We Simply Choose to Forget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back in the present: Kyungsoo's hospital room after he tells Suho about his heart-wrenching story of how he knows Jongin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: (mildly vivid) description of a panic attack

Junmyeon stares at Kyungsoo after he tells the story of how he met, loved, and lost the boy named Kai. “Oh Kyungsoo…” he sighs, feeling his tears threatening to fall.

“Stop. Don’t cry. We both know how funny your face gets when you do.” Kyungsoo weakly tries to keep the conversation light. He looks away, out the window, and bites his lip to keep himself from crying. He’d done enough of that, during the first six months of his recovery.

_The transplant had gone as well as it could have, but Kyungsoo still needed to keep it slow for about a year. He’d never been able to contact back because as predicted, his phone had died for good after he’d drenched it in the rain. The memory had corrupted, so he lost all forms of contact to Sehun and the others. Of course, Kyungsoo knew deep in himself that he could have sent a message by some other means, like sending someone. He could’ve sent a letter, damn how slow it could have been. He could have, but he didn’t. He didn’t try enough, for some reason. _

And now his choices were coming back to shove what he had tried so hard to forget into his face.

“But why didn’t you go back?” Junmyeon asks the unsaid question.

And, just like that, with just those six simple words, Kyungsoo’s emotions unravel right in front of his best friend’s eyes. “I- I don’t know.” He sobs. “I wanted to. I promised myself I would. B-but. I didn’t know what to tell him once I did. Inevitably I’d already harmed him in one way or another. I was scared to face what I’d turned him into, after everything… I- I… I don’t know! God, Junmyeon, why didn’t I go back?” he cries, breaking down after months of keeping it all to himself. “Oh my god. Junmyeon. What have I done? I ruined his life. After he’d so painstakingly brought it back together. Suho, what have I done?”

Suho rushes over to hug his flailing best friend and holds him tight. “You didn’t have a choice.” He says, and his voice cracks.

“But I did. I did. I could have told him the truth. I could have contacted them after the operation… I could have brought him back with me, I could have died but he’d have known and he’d have known and I… oh god.” Kyungsoo shivers, sobs wracking his body. “He could have died today, Suho. And I wouldn’t have known.” His teeth chatter uncontrollably as he tries to breathe, only to end up gasping without cease. “I could have lost him without knowing it, and now I know how it feels. What I’d done to him... It’s horrible. Horrible! How could he have survived it? Oh god, Junmyeon, it would have _killed _him.” The odds. The odds were to blame. Kyungsoo always thinks of the odds, and now he can’t help but think that the odds are fucking with him.

“Hey. Hey!” Junmyeon shakes him. “Breathe. Please, breathe. Your heart…” he mutters and grasps his friend’s arms tightly to steady him. “You’re going to pass out, Kyungsoo, please.”

But Kyungsoo doesn’t hear him and keeps on crying, his breaths uneven. Junmyeon rushes to the door and yells for Jongdae to bring him a certain dose of a sedative. The intern rushes to comply and Kyungsoo doesn’t even notice it when Junmyeon plunges the needle into his IV.

“Doctor?” Jongdae asks uncertainly.

“… panic attack.” Was Junmeyon’s weak reply. “Jongdae, I want you to take over for me in checking up with my patients tomorrow, I’ll visit the ones in serious conditions, but for those who only need monitoring, I need you to go in my stead. I’ll be right here if you need me. I need to… I need to watch over Kyungsoo for a while.” He says, looking remorsefully at his sleeping best friend’s form.

Jongdae nods. “I understand, Doctor.” He steps out after shooting Junmyeon a concerned look and closes the door behind him.

\--

The nurses of the neuro ward, Chanyeol, and Baekhyun, were chattering animatedly in the Nurse’s Station when Junmyeon drops by the next morning.

“Good morning, you two.” He greets in an attempt to be bright, but when the two turn to face him the tiredness is visible in his face.

“Hello, Dr. Junmyeon,” Baekhyun says slowly, looking at Chanyeol. “Are you quite alright? We… um, we heard what happened to Dr. Soo last night and…” he stops when Chanyeol (in)conspicuously elbows his side.

Junmyeon mentally chuckles at how the two had ended up calling Kyungsoo ‘Doctor Soo’ like he was just a letter off from writing about talking cats in top hats and green breakfast items. And as for how they found out, Junmyeon chose not to ask. It’s pretty well known that the two always ended up finding things out around the entire hospital. He’s even seen his ward’s intern, Jongdae, hanging out with the two nurses in the cafeteria one time. They probably had friends all over, given how mischievous and talkative they both were.

“I’m fine, and Kyungsoo’s… well, he’s resting right now. Which is why I dropped by. Is Dr. Yixing in?”

Chanyeol nods enthusiastically, pointing towards said doctor’s office. “He arrived about ten minutes ago. He’ll start his rounds in a few minutes though.”

Junmyeon thanks the two nurses and knocks on the door of the Head of Neurosurgery’s office. “Dr. Yixing?” he calls, and the tall doctor opens the door. He smiles when he sees Junmyeon.

“Dr. Junmyeon! I was going to talk to you later today but it seems like you found me first. How’s Dr. Do, if I may ask? Also, what can I help you with?” he indicates a seat for Junmyeon to settle into as he walks over to his desk.

Junmyeon sits. “Kyungsoo’s doing fine, for now. The sedatives will wear out in a while.” At Yixing’s confused look, he hastily adds, “We had to sedate him last night because of a panic attack.”

“Oh, I see. I hope he feels better soon. Does this mean that he won’t be back for work just yet? I can take over his patients for the time being, as well as his new patient, Kim Jongin.“

Junmyeon fidgets, putting his hands in his coat’s pockets. “About that… Dr. Yixing, I don’t think it will be alright to make Dr. Do patient Kim’s consulting doctor.”

“Why not?” Yixing frowns, confused.

“They… have a history. Apparently, they know each other and have been… attached.”

“Oh. Uhm, that’s unfortunate. Also, unethical, looking back at last night’s events.” Yixing mumbles thoughtfully.

“I know. I’m sorry, but I think it’ll be better for both our patients not to be exposed to each other for now. Professionally or personally.” Junmyeon finishes, sighing.

Yixing nods. “I understand, Dr. Junmyeon. And I share your sentiments. As for what happened last night, I think we should just keep it to ourselves for now, especially given Dr. Do’s current state. We couldn’t put him in danger of getting suspended. Worse comes to worst, I’ll take the blame.”

Suho shakes Yixing’s hand. “Thank you, Dr. Yixing. I’m sorry, on Kyungsoo’s behalf, about that breach in ethics. He wasn’t thinking straight, and he didn’t know it was the Kim Jongin he knew up until he got in the OR. Still, I’m deeply sorry.”

“No problem, Junmyeon. I’m just as concerned about Kyungsoo-ssi. But now I’ll have to contact Yifan to have him show up. Now _he’s _in danger of getting suspended.” Yixing sighs as he reaches for his phone.

“I’ll be going now.” Junmyeon excuses himself while Yixing dials Dr. Yifan’s number. He absentmindedly raises a hand in farewell as Junmyeon leaves. 

\--

When Junmyeon passes by the room where Kim Jongin is currently confined in (which he found out with a little help from the ever-enthusiastic Chanyeol and Baekhyun), a boy is on his way inside it with some bags. Their eyes meet for a second before the door closes and Junmyeon couldn’t help the sinking feeling in his chest.

After all, Kyungsoo had described that boy perfectly.

Oh Sehun has arrived.

\--

Nearly a week later, when Kyungsoo is discharged and Baekhyun hands him his patient rounds list, he doesn’t bat an eye when Kim Jongin is not on it. Junmyeon had told him that it would be better if he didn’t see Kai just yet, and he had no doubts that he’d told Yixing the same thing. Of course, Kyungsoo knew better than to ask to confirm his suspicions, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know either. Still, Junmyeon updated him almost daily about Kai’s condition.

_“He hasn’t woken up yet, but he will, pretty soon. He’ll be disoriented, but hopefully, there’s no other lasting damage.”_

Kyungsoo doesn’t know if he wanted to face Kai just yet either, anyway. And Suho also mentioned that Sehun was by his friend’s bedside almost 24/7, and Kyungsoo was sure that Sehun wouldn’t want to see him.

Yixing takes him aside to whisper something about the OR mishap, and Kyungsoo nods solemnly. While technically speaking, it wasn’t illegal or anything as grave as that to operate on family and friends, the hospital administration was pretty stern on the matter. Yixing was going to keep mum about it, and so was Junmyeon.

“I’m sorry to have put you through that, Kyungsoo-ssi.” Yixing finishes, putting a hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

He shakes his head. “It’s alright, Dr. Yixing. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I hope he wakes up soon,” Yixing mutters absentmindedly after this, seemingly unaware that Kyungsoo was still standing in front of him. The younger doctor shoots him a funny look before walking off, waving half-heartedly at the two chattering nurses at the nurse’s station.

_I hope he wakes up soon. _Yixing had muttered. Kyungsoo was a neurosurgeon himself. He knew what that meant. The longer a patient comes out of a coma after a traumatic brain injury surgery, the worse off they might be.

“_I _hope he wakes up soon.” Kyungsoo sighs, diligently avoiding the room Jongin is in during his rounds. 

\--

It's a week later when Kyungsoo is interrupted in the doctor’s lounge by a panting Chanyeol. “Dr. Do.” He begins, wincing as he tries to catch his breath. “Dr. Do, Dr. Zhang needs you at patient Kim Jongin’s room, now. Room 808.” Chanyeol manages to continue, holding a hand to his chest.

Kyungsoo closes the files he’d been looking at before the tall nurse arrived. He frowns in confusion. “Why? I’m not one of his consulting doctors.” He doesn’t add that he’s not allowed to see the patient for a certain reason. Nor does he want to, for approximately the same reason.

“Dr. Zhang didn’t say why doctor. But he says that it’s important.”

Kyungsoo’s heart thuds painfully against his chest as he swallows almost imperceptibly. What was so important that Yixing was willing to breach his agreement with Junmyeon? Was this more important than Kyungsoo’s petty fear of facing the boy? “Oh. I see. Alright.”

Chanyeol stands there, staring.

“Lead the way then, Chanyeol-ssi.”

\--

A boy is leaning on the wall outside Kim Jongin’s room, and when he raises his head at Kyungsoo’s arrival, he sees the quick flash of recognition on the boy’s face. That is followed soon after by a look of pure, unfiltered hatred. “Sehun.” He’s managed to avoid the boy for a week, and yet here they were, face to face, and Kyungsoo’s sure Sehun’s reaction is way worse than he’d hoped it’d be.

The boy pushes himself off the wall and walks toward Kyungsoo, enraged. “You. What are you doing here? Was breaking Kai’s heart not enough for you?” With his towering height, he immediately corners Kyungsoo on the wall, while the doctor just stares morosely at the floor.

“Hey!” Chanyeol barks out indignantly, surprised at the nerve that the kid has to intimidate Dr. Do just like that.

“It’s fine, Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo motions with one hand, lowering his gaze to the floor once more. “Let me through please, I’m one of his doctors.” Well not really, but why else would Dr. Yixing call for him?

“Doctor?” Sehun barks out a laugh. “Is that another one of your stupid secrets? God. We never really knew you at all, did we?”

“I suppose not.” the answer is a whisper.

“I see you’re alive, at least. But why didn’t you come back, huh? I know you said you would. You said that if you came out of that operating room alive, that you’d come back. Well, why didn’t you?”

Kyungsoo remains quiet for a moment, before asking, “Was he going to forgive me if I had?”

“He would have. You have always underestimated how much he loved you, _hyung_. And I can see that you still do. Are you honestly so stupid that you can’t tell why he was at the beach that day? He _knew _a storm was coming. He jumped off that stupid cliff just as the rain started pouring. And you know why? Because it’s been three years since you left.” The way Sehun spits out the word ‘hyung’ communicates clearly and exactly how he feels about Kyungsoo if his expression hasn’t yet.

Chanyeol is still standing off to the side, a perplexed look marring his seething expression when he hears what Sehun says. “Dr. Do?” he asks, almost timidly. 

Kyungsoo raises his eyes to meet with Chanyeol’s. “It’s fine. I’m fine. Will you call Dr. Kim, please? He might be needed here as well.” He says calmly. Of course, calling Suho over was more for Kyungsoo’s sake than Kai’s.

The nurse nods and decides that that is his cue to leave. He looks behind his shoulder worriedly but keeps walking nonetheless.

“Please let me through, Sehun.” Kyungsoo pushes the younger boy away gently and enters the room, painfully aware of Sehun’s presence as he follows him inside, eyes boring holes through his skull. Sehun shoves him on the way and walks ahead to Jongin’s bed, hovering protectively over his friend’s bedside.

When Kyungsoo gets further inside the room he expects the worse, but he wasn’t prepared to see that Kim Jongin is finally awake and sitting weakly upon his bed talking to Dr. Zhang. He’s wrapped up in bandages almost all over, but Kyungsoo still sees the painfully familiar twinkle of his eyes and...

Kyungsoo’s breath hitches, and he feels another panic attack coming. Kai isn’t supposed to see him here. He almost turns to leave but stops when the door opens and Junmyeon arrives, looking at him worriedly. _Suho knows something, _was his first instinct. He gulps and turns slowly to look at Yixing and Kai.

Nothing could have prepared him for the smile that Kim Jongin sends his way when he notices Kyungsoo’s presence.

And very _very_ much less for what comes after.

“Hi. Are you another doctor of mine?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Screams* because I totally did the cliche thing right there... or did I? :Z
> 
> Excerpt from original A/N: So, this fic was originally planned to be a three-parter that messed up feels so bad the readers end up wailing and dying, but the odds seem to have other plans. So now there'll be more chapters to this fic than I'd originally anticipated. It just seems right that way. 
> 
> Lol, and now, it's a whole AU. I was going for making a classic like Anterograde but what humble human can match up to that classic greatness?
> 
> Also, this chapter begins to tease at the spin-off(s). If you squint hard enough it's there.


	4. Has Time Rewritten Every Line?

Kyungsoo freezes and turns to look behind him to determine whether or not Kai was purposefully ignoring him and was talking to Junmyeon, but Suho was still well hidden from the boy’s line of sight from his position by the door. He turns back again and sputters as Zhang Yixing responds on his behalf. “Yes. Jongin, I’d like you to meet one of your other doctors, Dr. Do Kyungsoo.” He looks at Kai as he says this, and purses his lips in thought after he introduces Kyungsoo.

Nothing. Not a flash of recognition. Zip. Nada. Kyungsoo glances at Sehun and is surprised to see the incredulous look on the usually poker-faced boy’s face. He’s just as confused.

Kai’s smile widens slowly, reminding Kyungsoo painfully of days long past. He then bows stiffly through his bandages. “Nice to meet you.” He winces, the movement taking its toll on him.

“P-please, don’t exert yourself.” Kyungsoo can’t help but react as he steps forward to steady Kai, worry running through him by instinct. He stops. “It’s nice to… meet… you too.” He adds belatedly, suppressing a grimace as he lets his outstretched arms fall uselessly to his sides when he realizes that he probably should not be touching Kim Jongin right now. He looks helplessly over to Suho, but his best friend just bites his lip and looks away as he steps out of the room silently.

“Ah. Well, it’s been nice seeing that you’re all up and awake now, Jongin-ssi.” Yixing smiles as he gently puts a hand on Jongin’s shoulder. “We’ll have a few tests over the next days to determine if all is well with you, physically and otherwise. And don’t worry about the… confusion. It’s quite normal considering what you’ve been through.” He trails off at the end of the sentence and shoots Kyungsoo a smile. “Dr. Do and I will leave you to rest now. You’ll probably see us a lot over the next days as we check up on you.” He ushers a still stunned Kyungsoo out of the room with a firm but gentle grasp on the younger’s arm.

Jongin smiles gratefully at both of them and thanks them as he settles back onto his pillows. Sehun immediately fusses over him, shooting a distrustful look at Kyungsoo before he does so.

\--

As the door closes behind them, Kyungsoo slowly turns to Yixing. “Dr. Zhang?” An explanation was niggling at the back of his mind, but his shock at not being recognized was clouding most of his other judgments.

The older doctor looks at him patiently. “Let me get this straight, Dr. Do. You and patient Kim Jongin know each other?” He glances at Junmyeon who stands over by the side, frowning worriedly.

“Did Suho tell you that?” Kyungsoo stammers, knowing full well that his best friend/cardiologist indeed told his boss. Damn Junmyeon. That’s probably why Yixing took over as Jongin’s consulting doctor in the first place.

Yixing nods. “Is it true?”

“Yes.” Kyungsoo resists the urge to glare at his best friend, because he knows that, yet again, Suho was only looking out for his well-being. “I’m pretty sure we both know that by now though, sir, as we had discussed the unmentionable OR ethical mishap?” His department head was distracting him.

“I know. I’m just making sure. And you were... attached?” Yixing tilts his head almost innocently.

Kyungsoo winces. “That almost sounds like an understatement. But to answer the question, yes.”

“Oh. Then it’s just as I suspected.”

“I messed up in the OR. I know. I’m sorry Dr. Zhang, I-.”

“Kim Jongin is suffering from some form of amnesia because of his head trauma. Post-traumatic amnesia, it has to be. The surgery had to be done because of brain trauma and clotting, and normally patients who went through a similar procedure forgot quite a handful of things here and there.” Yixing snaps his fingers, ignoring Kyungsoo’s nearly panicked apology. Also apparently forgetting that Kyungsoo knew what post-trauma amnesia was, given that he’s a neurosurgeon as well. Of course, it’s probably for Junmyeon’s sake.

“I- what?”

“Head out of the clouds, Dr. Do.” Zhang Yixing admonishes gently.

“You’re one to talk.” He couldn’t help himself but snap at his supervisor, notorious for almost always going through the day in a fog.

Suho tries to hide his amused grin behind his hand before he reprimands Kyungsoo sternly. “Soo.”

Yixing simply laughs. “Come on, Kyungsoo-ssi. Focus. Don’t the symptoms speak loud and clear?”

“I don’t know, shouldn’t we perform more tests than just calling me over to see if he recognizes me? Because he damn well has reason to pretend not to.” Kyungsoo was aware that he was beginning to lose control of his temper, simply because he didn’t understand what was going on and because his inner voice, which had a twisted sense of humor, was laughing hysterically in his head and rambling something like, _what are the odds?! Shit, the odds are playing with me again._

“I know, I know. I’ll get right on to it. Do you think Dr. Junmyeon will still keep you from getting involved?” Yixing asks absently, seemingly forgetting that mentioned doctor was right beside him.

Kyungsoo raises a brow. _Yixing’s mind is prancing around in the clouds with his unicorns again._“He better not.” He answers, shooting Suho a look loaded with meaning.

Suho looks affronted and mutters an “I don’t think this is a good idea... for either of you.”

Kyungsoo pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. _There’s surely going to be a mark there tomorrow, and he’ll end up looking like an actual unicorn. Haha, what are the odds that Yixing will have an actual unicorn? Fuck you, odds._ “I don’t know what to think of it either... but... this has gotten more convoluted than before. I don’t know. But this is Kai... and...” he sighs again, louder this time. “I don’t know, okay? I’ll think about it. Please, let me think about this.”

Yixing sees the change in Kyungsoo and his mouth opens in a small ‘o’ of understanding. He nods solemnly and tells Kyungsoo to take his time before he bids his leave to both Kyungsoo and Junmyeon.

After Yixing leaves, Kyungsoo stands outside the room, confused. Suho was just about to open his mouth to say something, but just then, the door opens and a flustered Sehun barges out. Seeing the doctor, he rounds on Kyungsoo once more. ‘What the fuck is going on?” he asks, tone eerily flat.

“I- we don’t know for sure yet.” The wide-eyed doctor instinctively moves closer to Junmyeon.

“Yeah? Well, you must have at least something.” Sehun is nearly snarling, and Kyungsoo is not sure if he’s ever heard this much emotion coming from the boy before. Not even on that day at the bus stop. Not even then. So he chooses to answer as honestly as possible.

“Amnesia. Post-traumatic, maybe. I-it often happens to patients who received surgery for brain trauma. It’s quite normal.” This was true, so Kyungsoo did not know why he was mentally breaking down at the thought.

“The fuck? So how do we know exactly _doctor_, what he does and doesn’t remember?”

“We still don’t know that. There’s bound to be some confusion, and of course memory loss. There’ll be headaches, so don’t hesitate to call for a nurse when he complains of them. His memories will come back eventually, the sooner they do, the likelier a full recovery will be. When he received surgery for traumatic brain injury, which was the clotting, this was already one of the things that were likely to come up during recovery. He’s going to be disoriented for quite a while. We’ll probably have a psychologist drop in on him once he’s a bit more coherent.” Kyungsoo is reciting from memory now, voice devoid of emotion. He knows that he’ll lose his composure again if he doesn’t. “Sehun,” he begins apprehensively, flinching a bit when Sehun glares at him. “What was he like when he woke up? We need to know these kinds of things to be fully sure.”

Sehun closes his eyes and composes himself. “He asked what he was doing at the hospital, I didn’t answer him because the nurses told me that once he woke up, I’d have to alert them. So I asked a nurse to call for Dr. Zhang first. Kai was... disoriented. He tried removing the wires and the tubes connected to him, and a nurse came in to calm him down. At first, he couldn’t remember who I was, but then I reminded him and he seemed to recognize me, he even asked about the hotdog stand but... it’s like his memories were all over the place. Even his speaking was off. He asked about Taemin, and _that_ was a slap to the fucking face. He asked about dance lessons, worried that he’d missed them. _You _would know that he’s never been back there since Taemin. Dr. Zhang was there by the time that Kai turned to ask me again, politely, who I was. Oh, then he asked who _he _was.” Sehun chuckles coldly at the memory. “The doctor must’ve seen how freaked out I was because that’s when he asked to speak with me outside for a while. So I told him about how confused Kai was being. I think he pretty much got it from there. He told me to wait outside for a while, and then _you_ had to show up, and...” Sehun trails off. “I am honestly so relieved that he doesn’t remember you after all the shit you put him through.”

Kyungsoo was now half leaning on Junmyeon because he didn’t expect to feel so strongly about what Sehun just said. “I... I-I’m sorry.” Is all he could say. Junmyeon squeezes his arm for reassurance, but Kyungsoo barely feels it through the haze of emotions he was experiencing. 

Sehun hisses through his teeth. “Forget it.” He mutters. “Forget it.”

“Sehun, just, please don’t tell him anything yet. There’ll be tests over the next days to check up on his brain, just to make sure about the amnesia. And I’ll probably be involved… so please, don’t tell him anything.”

“You know, for once I will agree with you, hyung. But only because he was worse off when he knew who you were and what you’d done.” Still with the bitter tone in his voice.

Kyungsoo winces guiltily. “Thank you, Sehun.”

“Shut up. I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for my best friend. He’s been through enough. Although I can imagine that you already know that or are you just plain heartless now?”

As Sehun leaves, he doesn’t hear the whisper of “I wish I was.” before Kyungsoo nearly collapses in the arms of his best friend from the onslaught of emotional exhaustion he feels.

\--

The next time Kyungsoo sees Kai, the other is sleeping fitfully. Sehun is nowhere in sight and Kyungsoo sighs audibly at the thought of getting to get a few moments with… with what, his lover? His _ex_-lover? His former roommate? His friend? His… patient?

He shakes his head and frowns. Kai wakes up with a start and Kyungsoo considers hightailing it out of the room, but before he could make up his mind, the younger had already pegged him where he was standing with a stare.

“Doctor?” Kai mumbles, his voice garbled by sleep.

“I just… I just came to see how you’re doing. I’m sorry for waking you. I’ll just come back another…”

“No, stay.”

Kyungsoo stops in surprise. Kai tries to sit up, and Kyungsoo has to help him with it, their first physical contact in years. He has to calm his furiously beating heart and keep himself from launching into the other’s arms. Not that Kai would remember him if he did, but still the urge was strong.

“Thanks.” Jongin remarks breathlessly, already tiring from the physical exertion. “Um… Doctor, I understand that my memory’s somewhat off since I woke up and… I know this may sound stupid, but I’m still not fully sure why I’m here.” He bites his lip in frustration.

Kyungsoo’s heart skips a beat and clenches when he sees the infuriatingly familiar expression on Kai’s face and has to breathe long and hard before he responds. “Have you tried asking your friend Sehun about it?”

Jongin shakes his head, grimacing in pain when he does. “Damn, I always forget about the wounds.” He mutters crossly, before looking at Kyungsoo once more. “I did but…” he huffs. “He doesn’t want to talk about it. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve forgotten who _he was_ more than once.”

Kyungsoo blinks. “Well, I don’t know much either.” _Liar, _his inner voice chides half-heartedly. “But you were in an accident. At the beach, during a storm. You were in the water and, well, you survived being thrown around some rocks by the shore. At least, that’s what I was told during the briefing.” _I was also told that _that _was a suicide attempt because I left you, but now’s not exactly the time to tell you that_.

Jongin spaces out and looks around in confusion. “I’m sorry, what were we talking about again?”

Kyungsoo can’t help it when his lower lip juts out in a pout. The incomprehension was still present, and by the fact that Jongin hasn’t recognized him yet meant that his memory was also still compromised. Before he could answer, Kai speaks again.

“Hyung.”

Kyungsoo freezes, his eyes wide.

“I need to find my hyung. Where’s my hyung?” Jongin starts rambling, looking wildly around.

Kyungsoo hears the door click open and Sehun arrives, juice box in hand. He nearly drops it in surprise when he sees Kyungsoo and before long, the longsuffering gaze was back. “What’s-“

His question is cut off when Jongin continues his slowly escalating tirade. “My hyung, where is he? He left, but I know he’s coming back. He promised me he’d stay.” He stops and stares at Kyunsgoo. “Who are you? Where am I?” Jongin’s tone had begun to creep into a panic, and Kyungsoo feared he’d get upset if he wasn’t calmed down soon. 

Sehun rushes over to Jongin to appease him. “Sehun? Sehun, where is he? Where’s hyung?” Jongin asks when he sees his friend.

Sehun grabs his friend’s arm gently but firmly. “It’s okay, Kai. I’m here. Why don’t you rest for a while, okay?”

“But, hyung?” Jongin is restless, tugging at one of the many wires and tubes connected to him.

Sehun shoots Kyungsoo a cold look before he responds. “He’s not here right now.”

Kyungsoo feels his new heart die a little at that, and for a moment he’s forgotten that the one beating inside his chest wasn’t the defective one anymore. “I’ll go get a nurse.” He hastily exclaims, rushing out of the door.

When he returns with Baekhyun, Jongin is hysterical. “I want to see him! I need to see him. Where is he?!”

Sehun is trying to pin him to the bed as best as he could, given that he still had to watch out for the rest of his best friend’s injuries to do so.

Baekhyun injects the sedative into Jongin’s IV and his actions soon turn lethargic. Stopping in mid-sentence, he starts to drift off. 

After a few minutes, he is once again asleep with one of his hands clutching Sehun’s sleeve. The nurse leaves after confirming that Jongin hadn’t been successful when he’d started messing with the wires connected to him. He shoots a concerned look at not Jongin, but Kyungsoo when he leaves. 

“You always seem to rile him up,” Sehun says quietly, staring at Jongin’s face, still frowning even in sleep. His voice had lost its usual bite and he just sounds tired. “Even if he doesn’t remember you, you seem to trigger something in him nonetheless.”

Kyungsoo steps back and looks at the floor. “I’m sorry. I’ll leave now.”

“And I don’t know if that’s good or bad.” Sehun continues flatly as if he hasn’t heard him. And Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to say to that, and coward that he is, he leaves without saying anything else.

\--

Baekhyun can’t look at him in the eye, and even Chanyeol dodges his gaze awkwardly. Kyungsoo doesn’t know why at first, then he realizes what Chanyeol had overheard Sehun yelling at him during his first visit to Jongin’s room and… oh.

“I don’t have to explain anything to either of you.” He lashes out irritably one morning, unprovoked for the most part, and the two nurses had the decency to look ashamed.

“Sorry, Dr. Soo.” Baekhyun whispers. “We’re just worried about you.”

He thinks he hears Chanyeol whimper, but he’s not sure.

\--

Even Junmyeon was worried about him, way more than what was already usual, and Kyungsoo found it smothering. “Please stop coddling me.” He grimaces when he catches Suho looking at him with concern etched on his features.

Suho blinks, surprised. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was doing it.” He responds, weakly.

“And please stop apologizing. I don’t deserve anyone’s pity, worry, or remorse.” Kyungsoo grits his teeth and determinedly looks at the floor to keep his emotions in check.

Even Yixing, who often came off as insensitive because of his typical absentmindedness, was acting like he was walking around in eggshells whenever he was around Kyungsoo. He was uncharacteristically hyperaware of anything that could even remotely upset the younger doctor.

“But this has to be hard on you, Soo,” Junmyeon says, seeing where Kyungsoo was going with this.

“I deserve it. After what I’d done to him.”

Suho sighs and grabs his friend’s wrists tightly. “No, you don’t. No one deserves this kind of pain.”

Kyungsoo laughs coldly. “And yet I made him suffer it.” He harshly wipes away the tear that had begun sliding down his cheek.

\--

“Oh.”

Kyungsoo’s fists were balled at his sides, and he was frowning. “What do you mean, dissociative amnesia?” He looks at Dr. Zhang who had spoken the syllable of understanding earlier.

The psychologist, Gongchan Shik, smiles sympathetically. “Dr. Zhang asked me to check on patient Kim when his latest MRI scans revealed no permanent damage from the TBI surgery. At first, I only went there to help him cope with the anxiety that comes hand in hand with losing one’s memories. However, after speaking with both him and his current watcher, I’ve come to find out that Kim Jongin’s memory loss might not entirely be post-trauma amnesia.”

“You mean it’s psychological?” Yixing asks, interestedly tapping his pen on his fingers.

Kyungsoo doesn’t miss the way his superior’s eyes narrow when Junmyeon and Dr. Yifan, who had finally decided to show up after weeks of unexplained absence, pass by them in the hallway, talking in soft voices. Soon, however, both their attentions are back on the psychologist talking with them.

“Oh Sehun mentioned that Jongin’s accident wasn’t really one, but a suicide attempt. He’d jumped off the cliff during a storm because he knew the chances of survival were low. Apparently, he’s been depressed for a long time now, and a recent loss had led him to self-destructive behaviors once more, that last one another of such attempts to take his own life.” Gongchan’s face crumples in concern. “I think that Jongin was half, if not fully, conscious when he hit the water, up until he washed up the shore. The psychological trauma of surviving such an event could have caused dissociative amnesia. I’ve been told that he remembers _mostly_ everything now, which was one of the reasons why post-trauma was ruled out, apart from the fact that the latest brain scans reveal no lasting damage. Everything, that is, except for a lot of the key points involved in his bout with depression.”

Kyungsoo already knew more than half of what the psychologist had mentioned, of course, given that Sehun confronted him about the… attempt already, and he’s noticed that Kai’s memory seemed to be stabilizing as of late. He remembered who he was, who Sehun was, and stopped asking about dance training. He’d asked about Luhan and Minseok, a conversation which Kyungsoo had accidentally overheard as he entered the room one day.

_“Sehun, where’s Minseok-hyung and Luhan-hyung?” _

_There was a pregnant pause before Sehun answered. “They’re at home.” _

_“Oh. Can’t they come and visit? I miss them.” _

_“I know. I miss them too. And they’re worried about you. It’s just that they can’t really afford the trip right now.”_

_There's some shuffling, and Kyungsoo figured it was Jongin trying to sit up on his bed again. “Why not?” _

_He heard the hesitation in Sehun’s voice before he responded. “They’re trying to save up all that they can for...” he trails off. _

_Jongin seemed to have understood and let out a quiet, embarrassed “Oh. They really shouldn’t though, I’m sure my parents-”_

_“No.” Sehun interrupted. “We’re not asking them for help.”_

_“But why not?” Jongin sounded genuinely confused._

Because you don’t want them to know you’re depressed. _Kyungsoo thought bitterly, remembering a conversation they’d had about Jongin’s parents. Kai had never told them about his depression because he worried that they’d fret over it too much and he didn’t want them to worry about him. When he was hospitalized for the first few times he’d tried to take his life, Minseok, Luhan, and Sehun had all pitched in to help him keep the secret. _

_Sehun didn’t answer, and Kyungsoo realized that he didn’t know how to respond. Jongin didn’t quite remember ever being depressed before his confinement, nor all the times he’d tried to harm himself, the latest included. Calling his parents for help would not only make them worried for their son, it was also going to possibly alert them of what they’d worked hard to avoid them finding out over the years. _

_So Kyungsoo chose that moment to make his presence known, and Sehun throws him an almost grateful look before he realized who’s arrived and his expression turned sour in an instant. _

“Sehun-ssi’s in a fragile state as well. Someone so young dealing with this kind of situation is worrisome. He’s been at the hospital every single day since he arrived, and I think he needs a break. He said he didn’t want to since no one else could watch over Jongin.” Gongchan continues, unaware of Kyungsoo standing still as he processes the new information. “He hasn’t been eating well, as far as I’ve heard. Since Jongin woke up they’ve had to share the meals given to the patients, and the nurses mentioned seeing him at the cafeteria from time to time, but never really eating properly for an entire day. If he keeps this up he might end up getting confined as well.”

“Oh dear,” Yixing mutters, concern on his face.

Kyungsoo almost gasps gratefully when his mind comes up with an idea that could probably remedy not only the concerns of the psychologist but also begin mending his broken friendship with Sehun.

He just wishes that the odds were done playing with him, at least for now, and be on his side for once. 


	5. The Chance to Do it All Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Past Me: While the next chapter is not yet the last one for this fic, I feel in my heart that this story is nearly coming to a close. I mean, the ending that I have in mind is like, really near at this point? 
> 
> Present Me: *laughs because I ended up writing 5 more chapters after this AND an epilogue*

After checking room 808 with no one inside it but a sleeping Kai, Kyungsoo decides to head over to the hospital cafeteria. He sees the dynamic duo of nurses first, speaking in uncharacteristically low tones. Kyungsoo approaches them apprehensively, still timid after his last encounter with them, in which he had snapped at them for nothing. Well, _something_, but they were just concerned for him. He can’t begrudge them, as he’s felt like hell the past few weeks, looked like it even more so.

“Hi, you two.” He mumbles as he reaches their table.

The two look up, matching wide smiles on their faces when they realize who had spoken to them. “Dr. Soo!” Baekhyun greets. “How are you?”

“I’ve been better,” Kyungsoo answers truthfully. No need lying with the bags under his eyes and paler than normal complexion.

Chanyeol tuts. “Better keep yourself healthy, Dr. Soo. You get us worried.”

Kyungsoo couldn’t help but smile at them. “The both of you, and Suho too.” He chuckles. “Really. What have I done in my past life to deserve such worrywarts looking after me?”

“It’s not really what you’ve done in your past life, doctor. You look after people even in this life.” Jongdae suddenly pipes up from behind him, grinning when Kyungsoo flinches in surprise. “So much so you forget yourself. But that’s what we’re here for.” He continues, sitting across the two nurses who wave at him merrily when he does.

“And Jongdae as well, of course.” He murmurs. Kyungsoo suddenly feels self-conscious when he realizes just how much people care about his well-being, and his heart only answers with a painful squeeze when he recalls another set of people who used to be the same, in the other life he’d thoughtlessly left behind. People like the one who he was seeking after, which was exactly why he had ended up in the cafeteria in the first place. He clears his throat. “Do any of you have any idea where Kim Jongin’s watcher is?”

Chanyeol points to a few tables away. “He’s over there, like he almost always is, talking with Dr. Zhang’s nephew.”

Kyungsoo starts in surprise, considering that he hadn’t pegged both Sehun and Zitao to be much of social creatures, much less with each other. But Chanyeol’s right, as when he looks up he sees the two chatting amiably with each other.

“Oh. I need to talk to him. If you’ll excuse me.” He says. “You three watch your break time, okay?” he calls out behind him, and he gets three thumbs-ups in reply.

Kyungsoo sighs and nervously plays with the box he’s holding in his hands. When Zitao sees him, he gives a polite smile and nod. “Hello, Dr. Kyungsoo.”

He smiles in return. “Hello, Tao.”

Sehun turns to look at him and narrows his eyes. “What are you doing here?” Tao looks mildly surprised at the tone Sehun uses.

“I just wanted to speak with you.” Kyungsoo answers. Zitao looks at something behind him and perks up before he excuses himself and walks over to the table Kyungsoo had just come from, Baekhyun winking at him conspiratorially when he looks back in surprise.

Sehun’s eyes widen just a fraction. “Is he okay?”

“Is who o-, oh. Yes, he is.” Kyungsoo replies. “May I sit?” he asks, expecting a blunt no, so he’s very much surprised when Sehun nods slowly. He sits before the other boy has a chance to change his mind. He also shoves the lunch box in Sehun’s direction hastily while he was at it.

Sehun looks at him, confused. “What’s this?”

“Uh, food?” Kyungsoo answers weakly.

“I can see that,” Sehun replies testily. “What is this for? Because if this is you trying to buy back my friendship I swear to-.”

“No.” Kyungsoo cuts him off. “I’m not. It’s just that Dr. Gongchan mentioned that you haven’t been eating properly lately and that…” he trails off.

Sehun huffs. “And you think I need this because?”

“Because you can’t keep on starving yourself. You need to keep yourself healthy if you insist so much on taking care of Ka- Jongin.” He answers stubbornly.

“I can buy my food, thank you,” Sehun responds, irritated.

“Not when you’re saving all you can for the bills. Just because I left doesn’t mean I don’t remember these things. I know you’re not going to ask for help from his parents.” Kyungsoo sighs in exasperation. “I’m not trying to buy back your friendship, but I still care about you, okay? I’m not doing this so that you’ll return the sentiment. Think of it as me looking out for a patient’s nutritionally compromised watcher. Whatever. Just eat.” He stands and leaves the cafeteria in a huff, trying not to visibly sag in relief when Sehun picks up the chopsticks and pokes the lunchbox tentatively.

\--

It becomes routine, after a while. Kyungsoo drops off food for Sehun either in Jongin’s room or at the cafeteria, wherever he ends up finding the younger. They don’t speak, but Sehun begrudgingly accepts and eats it.

If Jongin thinks that something is off, he doesn’t comment on it. He still has lapses in memory and coherence now and then, characteristic of post-traumatic amnesia, but mostly it’s just the dissociative amnesia that befuddles him.

Sehun still glares at Kyungsoo, but sometimes he doesn’t even bother and just ignores him whenever he comes in with Dr. Zhang or Dr. Gongchan now and then.

\--

One day, when Kyungsoo drops by alone to give Sehun yet another packed lunch, Jongin speaks up. “Doctor.”

“Yes?” Kyungsoo asks, surprised. Kai barely acknowledged him during such instances.

“Have we met before? You seem familiar. Your voice, I think… Nevermind.”

Kyungsoo looks at Sehun in surprise then and sees the expression on his face. For the first time in a long while, the other boy was looking at him with something other than anger. Sehun rarely shows what was on his mind on his face, as he has perfected the art of always having a passive bitch face, but now he looks positively upset. He turns his face away from Kyungsoo and mumbles something about getting coffee from the cafeteria before making his way out of the room, lunch forgotten.

Kyungsoo looks back at Jongin and sees the other biting his lower lip in apprehension. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” He sighs. “Aish. It also seems that I’ve upset Sehun again.” He laments.

“No… it’s fine.” Kyungsoo assures him, though nothing is farther from the truth, given that his heart was making panicked beats in his chest. “And Sehun’s probably just tired.”

“It’s just that whenever I see you, I feel something different in here, you know?” Kai explains, motioning toward the general area of his chest. “But it’s probably nothing.”

Kyungsoo’s heart constricts. “Y-yeah. Probably nothing…”

“It’s just that, I’m the sort of person who thinks with my heart, and I probably give it too much credit. But sometimes, things just feel… right.” Jongin explains, suddenly looking flustered. “I’m sorry, doctor. I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”

Kyungsoo inhales deeply. “You know,” he starts. “I knew someone once, someone like you who thought with his heart. He was hurt a lot because of it, and I asked him how he could have been okay with that. Thinking with one’s head is practical, logical. And it hurts far less emotion-wise. But you know what he told me?”

Jongin looks curious. “What?”

“He told me, _‘Hyung, if everyone thought with their heads, then no one would know if feelings were real. When people think with their hearts and get hurt, then you know that it’s because what they felt was real. Because it wouldn’t hurt that much if it wasn’t. And somehow, that makes it okay. Knowing that what you had with them was real makes it easier to deal with the pain.’_” Kyungsoo laughs, trying to suppress his tears. “I never really got him when he said that, but he practically lived by those words. I just don’t understand how it could be okay to be hurt.”

Jongin’s silent, contemplative. “I think… I think I understand what your friend meant.”

_You should_. Kyungsoo thinks. _Because it was you who told me that. _

“Then maybe you should trust your heart more despite what others say.” He offers, ignoring the sharp pang in his chest. He leaves before Kai has a chance to ask him what he means by that.

\--

One day, amidst hushed whispers of _an idol in the hospital, fans downstairs, _scattering all over the hospital, Kyungsoo decides to drop by Kai’s room to check on him. He braces himself for a confrontation with the latter’s watcher and is somewhat taken aback when he enters the room and sees not Oh Sehun in there, but a stranger. “Good morning, I’m Dr. Do, Jongin’s doctor?” he introduces himself cautiously so as not to surprise Kai’s visitor and Kai who appears to be sleeping at the moment.

The boy sitting beside Kai’s bed raises his head slowly and blinks behind the mouth mask covering nearly half his face. “Oh. Hello. I’m his uh, friend, Taemin.”

Something thuds in Kyungsoo’s chest when he registers the name and connects it with the rumors spreading like wildfire. _Ah, the infamous Taemin_. “Oh, I see. I thought his other friend Sehun would be the one in here. Sorry to disturb you, I’m just here to check up on hi-s vitals.” _Him_. Kyungsoo mentally reprimands himself. _You’re here to see him. Just tell the brat you’re here to see Kai. Also, how the fuck is he here?_

“Oh. Okay.” Taemin removes his mask and sighs.

_Pretty_. Taemin is pretty. He looks almost alike to Jongin, Kyungsoo realizes. So alike, that for the briefest of moments, Kyungsoo catches a glimpse of the brotherhood the two must have had. Somehow, this new knowledge has him tingling with what could only be described as jealousy even to the tips of his fingers.

Kyungsoo glances at the chart on the end of the bed and pretends to note some of it on his clipboard. “Alright then, I’ll be off now.” He mumbles after a few moments, ready to run out of the door if he had to. He was going to find a respectable wall to punch because he had to release the pent up frustration else his heart was going to take the brunt of whatever it was he was feeling. 

“Dr. Do, can I talk to you for a moment?”

Kyungsoo stops in his tracks and looks at Taemin. “Sure, what about?”

“I just… I just want to understand Kai’s condition. I mean, is he ever going to… remember? I’m not informed about the extent of his memory loss, just that uh, he doesn’t remember stuff. And we haven’t exactly had the chance to talk yet.”

Kyungsoo fiddles with his pen before looking straight at Taemin and saying, “We can’t be too sure at this stage. We’re highly optimistic of the chance of that happening, though, however gradual it may be.”

The younger boy looks relieved. “It’s just that… when we last saw each other I put him in a bad place, you see? I just wanted to know if he’d get all of his memories back so I can apologize properly. It wouldn’t be fair to take advantage of his lost memories to just barge back in his life, right?”

Looking back at Kai’s sleeping form, Kyungsoo nods once. “Yes, I suppose you’re right.” _Damn, he got you there, _his mind whispers bitterly. _Punch him right in the middle of his pretty face, _it adds as an afterthought.

Just then, Sehun arrives and the distasteful looks he shoots both of them are enough to make Kyungsoo bid his leave once again. “Alright, thanks doc,” Taemin replies, slumping down on the chair, running a hand haphazardly through his styled hair.

Sehun glares at him. “What are you still doing here?” he asks as the door closes behind him.

Taemin sighs. “I don’t know, okay? I just need a chance to apologize to him.”

“Kai’s life is complicated enough as it is right now.” Sehun hissed through gritted teeth, trying not to shout for fear of waking his best friend. “He doesn’t need the _both_ of you here once his memories return.”

“The both of who?” Taemin replies in confusion before Sehun mutters something under his breath and storms out of the room once more.

\--

He nearly collides with Kyungsoo outside the door.

“So that’s him, huh?” Kyungsoo comments bitterly.

Sehun looks at him in surprise before he huffs in annoyance. “The one and only.”

“No wonder the hospital’s been buzzing.”

“Damn it hyung, this is not the time to be jealous. It’s not like you have the right to, anyway, seeing as you didn’t do any better than him.” While the ‘hyung’ didn’t hold the usual venom, the entire statement held volumes of it. But Kyungsoo’s used to the shade Sehun throws at him whenever he can. He deserves it and so he takes it like the deserter he is.

Kyungsoo can’t help but roll his eyes. “I’m not being jealous, Oh Sehun. I’m not that petty.” _Pants on fire_, his mind chants lazily.

“Yeah well, your lunch boxes have nothing against him. He offered to pay for the hospital bills the moment he arrived.” Sehun takes another jab.

“Jeez, Sehun. How many times have I told you that I’m not trying to buy back your- _what_? _All _of the bills?” Kyungsoo rounds in on Sehun’s statement.

Sehun shrugs. “He can probably afford it.” He says offhandedly.

“Damn you, Sehun, are you actually egging me on to _compete_ with him?” It’s Kyungsoo’s turn to glare at the other. He briefly considers foregoing the search for a reputable wall in favor of using Sehun’s smirking face instead. “Because I am not taking the bait.”

Sehun blinks innocently. “Egging you on? As if.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head and reaches into his pocket. His hand comes out clutching two bus tickets which he proceeds to nearly shove into Sehun’s face. “Give this to the hyungs. Get them to come here. You both need them. Don’t tell them I did this. They’re probably going to be as mad as you were when you first saw me. I’ll stay away when they arrive. I just… I know both of you need them here. And they need to be here for you.”

“Who says I’m not just as mad at you as when I first arrived?” Sehun replies pettily. “Also, if you’re not competing nor buying back affections, then why do you have those tickets?”

“One, you’re talking to me. Two, you love my food too much because it keeps you breathing. Three, we both hate that person who’s inside with Kai right now. And four, I’m _not_ competing because I bought these way before I heard of pretty boy’s offer to pay the bills. Lastly, I am not buying back affections because I deserve all of your anger. You deserve to be mad at me for everything I’ve done and I’m not going to try to escape that. I’m just looking out for you.” 

Sehun shakes his head with a smug expression on his face and takes the tickets. “You’re totally jealous. And I still wish you’d stayed at the hotel.” He grumbles.

Kyungsoo clutches a hand to his chest. “Ah, I’ve been struck by the fatal blow. The lowest of the low curses has been wished upon me. _Call the hyungs._” He responds flatly before he walks away. “_And_ get rid of the idol. Kai needs his rest. The hospital needs its peace.”

He doesn’t see the flash of a pained but amused smile Sehun sends his way when he does.

Chanyeol does though, from the distance of the nurse’s station.

And he hastily whispers it to Baekhyun.

Who, in turn, texts Jongdae.

Who definitely doesn’t whisper said information to Junmyeon.

(He does)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from past A/N: If you're wondering how Tao could be Lay's character's nephew on here, it'll probably be explained in the spin-offs I'm planning.
> 
> Eep.
> 
> Anyway, I'm pausing migrating the story to AO3 for now, I'll see how these chapters fare for a day or two and then migrate the rest. Meanwhile, the AFF version will be hidden from the public view mwahaha.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One order of angst, coming right up.

Kim Jongin wakes up with a familiar face peering at him. “Taemin.” He breathes out, voice cracking from sleep.

There’s an unreadable expression on his friend’s face. “Hey.” He whispers tentatively. “How are you?” Taemin shuffles closer to Jongin nervously.

“Well…” Kai trails off, motioning awkward to himself. He smiles sheepishly. “What are you doing here?” he frowns when Taemin’s presence sinks in.

Taemin flinches. “If you don’t want me to be here, I’ll just leave. I-I just wanted to see how you were doing. Our old dance instructor heard the news and he managed to reach me… I’m sorry, I’ll leave if you want me to.”

Kai smiles, though it is wobbly. “No, don’t leave. Let’s talk.”

\--

When Sehun arrives a few hours later, Taemin is nowhere to be seen and Kai is sitting up in bed, looking pensively at the window. “Hungry?” the younger asks, lifting a plastic bag of food to Kai’s line of sight.

Jongin looks at him and shakes his head. “No thanks, I’m not hungry yet. Besides, the hospital dinner will arrive in a while, right?”

Sehun nods. “I’m going to call the hyungs, by the way. I’ve found a way to get them here.” He mentions, gauging for a reaction in his friend. He doesn’t mention that said means is Do Kyungsoo himself.

“Really? I’m glad.” Jongin visibly brightens at this news, but a funny look crosses his face and he looks back to the window.

“You okay? What time did Taemin leave?” Sehun asks quietly, playing with his chopsticks in what he hopes is a nonchalant-looking manner.

Jongin nods. “About 40 minutes ago. He said that he had to get back because he just escaped from his managers or something like that.”

Sehun raises his brows in response. “Oh. Did you two get a chance to talk?” he shoves a kimbap in his mouth to keep himself from acting too curious, even though in all actuality he really, absolutely is.

A sigh. “Yeah. But I think I lapsed out on him more than once, and I have no recollection of more than half of what he was saying. He kept apologizing though. And he was different from what I remember of him. It was really weird. ”

Sehun nods. “Dr. Gongchan did say that the memory thing is going to take quite a while. Don’t worry about it. At least the hyungs will be here soon to join us. It’ll be just like old times, huh?”

“Yeah, except something feels… empty.”

Sehun doesn’t get a chance to comment as a knock on the door signified that the cart distributing the patients’ food has arrived. When he turns to Kai again, the other boy has seemed to have forgotten his last statement.

\--

_“Hello, you’ve reached Minseok,”_

_“And Luhan!”_

_“And Luhan. Here at Exotic Brews!” _

Sehun smiled at the familiar voices that answered his phone call. “Hey, it’s me, Sehun.”

_“Sehun!” _Both Xiumin and Luhan’s voices exclaimed excitedly.

The next barrage of phrases was along the lines of ‘_how are you?’ _And ‘_how’s Kai?’ _Sehun couldn’t say, as both hyungs were rattling out a variety of the questions at a rapid pace, _simultaneously_. “Er, we’re good. We’re both okay. We’re well taken care off.” He says, before realizing the truth in his words. A flash of Kyungsoo’s image appears in his mind before Sehun could help it. Indeed, they were both well because of Kyungsoo’s (and of course the other doctors as well) efforts.

_“Oh, that’s good.”_ Luhan breathes out on the other end of the line. _“We’re so worried about you two.”_

_“We wish we could come and take care of you guys,” _Minseok adds wistfully.

“Hey, uh, listen. I _might_ have gotten a hold of tickets for the both of you to come here…” Sehun starts.

The synchronized _“What?!” _that answered him was equal in tone, volume, and intensity that Sehun has to move the receiver away from his ear.

_“Oh Sehun, you better not have spent any money on this. You _know _we’re saving every penny we can get to pay the bills._” Luhan calls out warningly. _“It’s already probably way more than we could afford at this point, given that you’re at a hospital in the city, and the surgery, and the pain medications…” _he frets.

Sehun grimaces and runs a hand through his hair in apprehension. “Yeah… about that. I might have gotten us a way out of that too…?”

_“You better not have sold your kidneys nor done something equally stupid as that.” _Xiumin.

Sehun stops. “What? No!”

_“Then how?” _Luhan asks agitatedly.

Sehun fidgets. “You know what? I’ll explain when you get here. The nurse is already glaring daggers at me. I’ll send you the tickets, okay? I’ll just text you the details, we miss you guys! See you soon! Bye!” he exclaims in a rush before he slams the phone down and gulps. He was _not _ready to face an interrogation just yet. Especially if said questioning would bring up two of the people they hadn’t heard from in over three years, the other far more.

He looks up from the phone, afraid that it will start ringing.

Baekhyun is staring at him from the other side of the nurses’ station, his chin propped up by his hand. “I’m not glaring daggers at you.” He says.

“Uh, yeah,” Sehun says awkwardly as he pushes himself off the counter of the station and abruptly walks back to Kai’s room. “Thanks for letting me use the phone.”

Chanyeol arrives from checking up on some of the patients and sees a perplexed Baekhyun spinning around on the swivel chair morosely. “Hey, Baek.” He greets.

Baekhyun looks up at him, brows furrowed in confusion. “I wasn’t glaring daggers at him.”

“Uh, what?” 

\--

When Minseok and Luhan arrive a few days later, Kyungsoo hears about it from Chanyeol and Baekhyun, ever alert and snoopy.

“Hyung!” Sehun reacts gleefully as he runs over to hug both elders each. “You’re here. I’m glad. Did you have a safe trip?”

“We did, thanks.” Minseok nods but shoots Sehun a look loaded with meaning. _We’re going to talk later. _

Sehun nods, grimacing.

Luhan rushes forward to Kai who’s sitting up on his bed with a wide smile on his face. “My dongsaeng~.” He coos.

Jongin laughs. “Hyung, stop.”

Luhan clucks and crosses his arms petulantly. “I can’t help it. I missed you. I was so worried.”

“I missed you too,” Jongin replies. “I’d hug you two if it won’t hurt so much.”

Minseok smiles. “It’s fine.” He touches Jongin’s shoulder reassuringly. “How have you been?”

Jongin winces. “Okay, I guess. I think my memory’s mostly fine now.”

Luhan shoots Sehun an inquiring look to which the younger responds with an imperceptible shake of his head.

“That’s good, do your other injuries still hurt?” Minseok asks.

Jongin nods. “Yeah, but they give me pain medications every now and then to help ease the pain. I’m okay, for the most part. They’ve been giving me basic physical therapy to exercise my limbs, but it’s not enough. I’ll have to start getting up to go to the bathroom and stuff like that, soon. The catheter feels icky.”

Minseok and Luhan laugh and Sehun grins.

“Dr. Gongchan, he’s my psychologist, said that my memories will come back over time, too,” Jongin adds.

“Huh, well, that’s good.” Luhan nods. “I’m glad that your treatment’s going well, Kai.”

“Guess you don’t need us then, huh, kiddo?” Minseok teases.

Jongin laughs. “No way, hyung. You’re staying with us. Sehun hasn’t been sleeping properly.” He points a telling finger to his best friend.

Sehun raises his hands, “Hey, I’m too busy taking care of you!”

Luhan laughs. “And that’s what we’re here for.”

“Plus, I can’t wait for you to meet my doctors. They’re all nice. There’s Dr. Yixing, and Dr. Gongchan, and Dr. Kyungsoo…”

Minseok and Luhan’s faces fall in sync. “Doctor… Kyungsoo?” Luhan asks weakly.

“Yup. He’s a neurosurgeon. I like him, he’s very nice. And he takes care of Sehun too!” Jongin adds enthusiastically, unaware of the tension that his statement has caused.

“Takes care of… Sehun?” Minseok says, the last part of the sentence more of an address to Sehun rather than part of the question.

Sehun looks down at the floor.

“You know what, Kai? I’m looking forward to meeting him.” Minseok says tersely.

\--

“Please tell me that this is all a big misunderstanding and we’re not talking about the same Kyungsoo here.” Minseok begins, gaze sharp. Jongin is inside the room, sleeping yet again. He pulled Sehun out of the door while Luhan trailed behind them the moment their patient conked out.

Sehun looks away. “I’m sorry, hyung.”

“Kyungsoo… he’s alive?” Minseok inhales sharply.

Sehun nods, face crumpling as the tears threatened to fall.

“What were you thinking Sehunnie? How could you not have told us?” Luhan asks urgently.

“I don’t know. I didn’t know what any of us could have done about it.” Comes the quiet reply. “Jongin doesn’t even recognize him.”

Luhan gasps. “What?”

‘You saw how he talked about him back there.” Sehun motions with his head to the door of Jongin’s room. “He doesn’t remember a thing about Kyungsoo-hyung.”

Minseok’s forehead wrinkled in confusion. “But how?”

Sehun shakes his head. “Dr. Gongchan told me that his amnesia is not because of physical trauma from the injuries, but psychological. Kai doesn’t remember a thing about his depression nor the people and instances that triggered it. He doesn’t know that he’s here because of a suicide attempt. He blanks out every time anyone tries to explain to him. He’s blocking it all out, hyung.” He tearfully explains. “And I… I don’t know whether to want him to stay this way so we can keep all the pain behind us, or not.”

“And when I saw Kyungsoo-hyung, I didn’t know whether to be happy that he was alive, or be angry because of what he’s done, but he was also the only familiar face around here and… I didn’t know what to do, hyungs.” He continues, finally breaking down.

“My dongsaeng.” Luhan sighs as Sehun’s shoulders begin to shake. He grabs the younger to hug him tight. “I’m sorry you had to deal with all of this for so long without us. I’m sorry we took so long to come here.”

Minseok wraps his arms around Sehun as well. “Oh, our Sehun. Always being strong. Let us help you carry the burden, all right? You don’t have to do this all alone.”

Sehun sobs and nods into his hyungs’ shoulders.

\--

Kim Jongdae, intern at the cardiology ward, sits with Baekhyun and Chanyeol at their usual table at the cafeteria when three somber-looking people enter and settle down at a table not so far from theirs.

“Hey, isn’t that the watcher of Kim Jongin?” he asks. “Who are the other people with him?”

Chanyeol looks up from his plate. “Oh, those are their hyungs. Dr. Soo said that he won’t be dropping by on Patient Kim once they arrive.”

Jongdae crinkles his nose. “Why not?”

Baekhyun shrugs offhandedly. “I suppose it’s still connected to the whole ‘he left them’ thing.”

“Dr. Junmyeon’s worried sick.” Jongdae confides. “The whole ethical breach incident’s not pretty, after all. They think no one else knows, but the three of us have pretty much connected the dots.”

“That’s because we’re excellent eavesdroppers,” Baekhyun adds.

“I hardly call what happened to eavesdrop. More like overhearing.” Chanyeol chuckles. “Dr. Zhang seems to have already forgotten about it, in true Zhang Yixing style. There’s something else that seems to be occupying his mind though, I think it’s connected to Dr. Yifan.” He adds.

Baekhyun tilts his head. “Aren’t they-“

“Excuse me, boys,” a new voice says. “I’m sorry to interrupt your conversation, but what was that I heard about an ethical breach?”

The three look up and come face to face with the smiling face of the hospital director.

“Director Amber!” Baekhyun squeaks.

\--

It’s the next day and Luhan, Minseok, and Sehun are sitting outside Jongin’s room once again. “We want to see him.” Luhan insists.

Sehun shakes his head. “He doesn’t think you’d want to.”

“But we do.” Luhan whines.

“Yeah, if not to cry because he’s alive then to punch his face for not telling us sooner,” Minseok adds helpfully.

“I can’t help you with that. I don’t know where he goes when he doesn’t drop by here.” Sehun protests weakly.

“But surely you know who to ask?” Luhan puts out his hand for Sehun to take and lead them to whoever could help them find out where Do Kyungsoo is.

Sehun sighs. “Let’s go to the nurses’ station.”

Baekhyun and Chanyeol are arguing in low tones when the three arrive.

“_It’s not our fault!” _

_“It is! We should have stuffed Jongdae’s mouth to shut him up.” _

_“We couldn’t have helped it, Baek.”_

They stop and stare at Sehun and company warily when they approach the counter.

“Good morning, how may I help you,” Baekhyun asks in an eerily monotone voice.

“Hey, uhm, Baek-ssi, Yeol-ssi, can you tell us where Kyungsoo-hyung is?” Sehun asks hopefully.

Baekhyun and Chanyeol share glances filled with something that Sehun couldn’t quite identify. “He’s in the doctor’s lounge,” Chanyeol replies.

Sehun nods. “Thank you.” He turns to the two expectant looking hyungs behind him and motions for them to follow him.

“_Not for long,_” Baekhyun mutters.

Chanyeol nudges him with his elbow. “What?” Baekyun hisses. “It’s true.” He finishes bitterly.

\--

They find Kyungsoo packing up his things.

“What…” Sehun starts. He stops and Minseok almost bumps into him from behind. He is abruptly shoved in the room when Luhan bumps against Minseok and the three of them stand there assessing the sight in front of their eyes.

“Are you… are you leaving without a goodbye again?” Sehun whispers harshly.

Kyungsoo is speechless at the sudden appearance of the three. “Hyungs.” He says dumbly. “Sehun. What are you doing here?”

“Shouldn’t we be the ones asking you that, Kyungsoo? What are you doing here, when we’ve been waiting for you to come back for three whole years?” Minseok begins, eyes narrowing when he registers what Kyungsoo has been doing before they arrived.

“Are you running away from us again, Kyungsoo?” Luhan asks quietly.

Kyungsoo looks back at the boxes in front of him. “I can explain…”

“No!” Sehun suddenly lashes out, eyes flaring. “I can’t believe you were going to do this to me, to us, and Jongin again!”

“Sehun, no, I…”

“I am not listening to your excuses anymore!” Sehun shouts, turning to run out of the door of the doctor’s lounge.

“I…” Kyungsoo begins again, but he is shot down by Luhan.

“Stop. You weren’t there the day you left. You weren’t there when we found Sehun at the bus stop, so scared to pick up the broken pieces of his friend once more, because he’s done it before and didn’t know if he could do it again. You weren’t there when a sleepy but energetic Kai entered the café and shouted for his hyung. You weren’t there when he saw the expressions on our faces. You weren’t there when his face crumpled because we couldn’t tell him where you were. You weren’t there that week, or the next one, or the one after that when he slowly deteriorated, going back to the shell of a human he was after Taemin left. You weren’t there when we lost our friend to his emotions for the second time. You weren’t there when we waited, just as he did, but died a bit more inside when you didn’t return. You weren’t there, so please stop.” Luhan sobs, burying his face in Minseok’s chest.

Minseok hugs his best friend against him protectively and glares at Kyungsoo. “Even the fucking customers at the café looked for you. And we couldn’t tell them anything, because Kai would always look at them with a pained expression every single time the question was so much as whispered within his hearing range. Month after month we’d justify your absence. We said, ‘Maybe he’s still recuperating.’ And other crap excuses like that. But the longer you were gone, the more we had to convince ourselves that you were dead. Because why else wouldn’t you come back, right?” he laughs harshly. “We could never tell Kai because he was just about at the end of his rope then. You didn’t just put Kai on the line when you left, Kyungsoo, because we were your friends too. Did you ever think about that? If Sehun hadn’t found you at the bus stop that day, then we would have known jack squat.”

“Please understand, because that’s exactly it, hyung. You all would have been relatively better off had you not known about the transplant. That’s why I begged Sehun to not tell Kai.” Kyungsoo explains, knowing that his words were useless now.

“That may have been the case. But why didn’t you come back as you said you would?” Minseok glares.

To that, Kyungsoo did not have an answer. At least, not one that made sense. “I didn’t know if I deserved to come back.”

“Maybe you didn’t. Because by the time the seventh month had rolled in, he had attempted to take his life twice.” Luhan replies quietly, tears still streaming down his face, his voice muffled by Minseok’s shirt. “But even then, even then, he had hoped for your return. So maybe you did deserve to come back, if not for your own sake then his. But then you didn’t.”

“Don’t…” Minseok begins, choking up as well. “If you’re leaving today, then don’t show us your face ever again. We don’t want to see you anywhere near Kai again. We couldn’t afford it anymore. Not… not after everything.”

Kyungsoo opens his mouth to respond, but nothing makes it past his lips. He whimpers helplessly as Minseok guides Luhan out of the doctor’s lounge. 


	7. The Corners of My Mind

Kyungsoo is on the verge of another panic attack when Suho arrives a few minutes later, panicked. “Are you okay?” he asks. “Jongdae told me what happened. He wouldn’t stop apologizing.”

Kyungsoo sighs. “It wasn’t his fault.” He then inhales deeply to keep his breathing even.

Junmyeon frowns. “You don’t look well.”

“Yeah, no. My chest hurts.” Kyungsoo replies flatly, motioning aimlessly with his hand.

“_Gods_. Soo, why didn’t you say so earlier?” Suho reacts, running towards his friend to help him sit down. “Is this because of the suspension?”

Kyungsoo shakes his head slowly. “N-o. Sehun and the hyungs just came by to see me. It was a very happy reunion when they saw me packing up and thought that I was leaving without a goodbye again. Couldn’t even get a fucking word in.” he mutters lowly. “Then again, I did leave without so much as a warning last time, I don’t blame them for jumping to conclusions.”

“Wait, what?” Suho reacts in disbelief. “When did they arrive?”

Kyungsoo shrugs and tosses his head. “According to the ever trusty BaekYeol, yesterday.” He winces and grinds a fist into his chest.

“Deep breaths.” Junmyeon prompts, reaching out a hand to Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

“I know.” Kyungsoo retorts sharply. “Anyway, they’re mad at me and told me to stay away from them and Jongin.” He amends to mollify the hurt on his friend’s face. 

Suho frowns and sits down beside Kyungsoo. “What are you going to do?” he asks, gently grabbing his friend’s hand to attach a pulse oximeter he grabs from his pocket to Kyungsoo’s finger.

Kyungsoo shrugs, wincing when the action slightly aggravates the pain in his chest. “I don’t know. They wouldn’t listen to me if I tried. And I did. About the suspension… well, there’s nothing I can do about it. My only worry was how to keep an eye on Jongin when I’m not even allowed to set foot in the hospital for the duration of the suspension, but I guess Xiumin-hyung took care of that for me.” He grimaces.

Junmyeon takes the oximeter absentmindedly and stares at it. “Soo, are you sure you’re okay?”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. “Yeah, just dan-…” he groans and slumps forward, hand clutching his chest. “…No, maybe not.” he wheezes out.

“Damn it,” Junmyeon mutters. “Stay put, I’ll go get help.”

\--

Kyungsoo squirms under the scrutinizing gaze of the hospital director, Amber Liu. “I don’t suppose I can forbid you from setting foot in the hospital at this rate.” She quirks an eyebrow at him.

“No ma’am, I don’t suppose so…” he mumbles, hands clawing uselessly at his blankets.

A worried ensemble comprised of Junmyeon, Yixing, Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Jongdae hover by the door, the upset expressions of their faces indicative of their inner turmoil.

Amber sighs. “Very well. I hope you listen to your doctor and rest well Dr. Do. I don’t want anything to happen to one of my best doctors just because he was too stubborn to obey his doctor.” She gives a weary salute in Kyungsoo’s direction and smiles ruefully at the collection at the door. “Get back to work, all of you. He needs his rest.”

“Y-yes ma’am.” Kyungsoo manages to croak out.

Everyone but Junmyeon and Jongdae scramble out of the room to resume their duties, and they step forward to assess the machines monitoring Kyungsoo’s vitals. “In all my years as a cardiologist, I’ve never believed in broken hearts until now.” Junmyeon offers.

Kyungsoo scoffs, smiling. “Please, it was a complication. Not a broken heart. Also, you’re not _that _old yet, gramps.”

Junmyeon returns a weak smile in his best friend’s direction. “It might as well be. What are you going to do?”

Kyungsoo sighs. “I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you just tell them the truth, Doctor?” Jongdae offers, blushing when the two doctors look inquiringly at his direction.

“Well,” Kyungsoo bites his lip. “For one, I already tried, and they wouldn’t listen to me. I really can’t blame them.”

“But…” Jongdae ventures, shifting uncomfortably. “Won’t this be yet another missed chance if you let it pass?”

Kyungsoo blinks and meets Junmyeon’s gaze. “I don’t know, Jongdae. I don’t know.”

\--

Sehun has been asleep on the watcher’s bed since his earlier outburst, and Luhan keeps on shooting him worried glances. “I’m worried about him.” He finally says. “And Jongin too.”

Xiumin sighs from his position by Jongin’s bedside. “Me too, but what can we do? It was Kyungsoo who chose to leave us all not once but twice. My only comfort is that Jongin’s memories of him haven’t returned, and so he’ll just be an absent doctor in his eyes. As for Sehun… Sehun’s been through a lot. We need to be there for him more than ever.”

Luhan walks over to ruffle Sehun’s hair. “We’ve already gone through this once. I don’t know how we’ll be able to do it again.”

Minseok is silent for a moment. “The same way we’ve done the past few times. Together.”

\--

It’s been a week of Kyungsoo’s second absence, and even Jongin’s begun to notice. “How come Dr. Do doesn’t visit anymore?” he asks Dr. Yixing one day.

The head of neurosurgery blinks surprised at the question. “He’s been… occupied lately.”

Luhan and Minseok are present as well and share subtle looks.

Jongin’s face falls. “Oh. Won’t he have time to visit?”

Yixing flounders for an answer. “I-I’m sure he will… given the chance.” He looks uncomfortably in the direction of the elders before excusing himself.

Jongin absentmindedly brushes a hand over his chest and sighs before turning his attention back to the television. After a few moments, he squints. “Hyung is that…”

Luhan glances at the television abruptly, where one all-too-familiar face was on.

“That’s Taemin.” Jongin tilts his head in confusion. “What’s… what’s he doing on the television…?”

Minseok hastily turns off the television with the remote, but it’s too late.

Jongin frowns. “Is there something that I don’t remember about Taemin?”

The response is silence.

“Hyung is there…?” Jongin feels out of breath like he’s been punched in the diaphragm. “What Taemin said the last time he was here… about managers, why he kept on apologizing… What are you not telling me?!” the last few words have escalated into a panicked scream, and Jongin begins thrashing on the bed, clawing at his head, nearly pulling off the bandage off his nearly healed incision. “WHAT DON’T I REMEMBER?”

Luhan chokes out a sob at the sight and backtracks out of the door to call on a nurse, while an equally distressed Xiumin steps forward and tries to grab his dongsaeng’s flailing limbs. “Jongin-ah, please calm down.” He pleads.

“No! What aren’t you telling me?” Jongin cries. “What else don’t I remember? Something feels wrong! What is it?!” he sobs, fighting against Minseok’s tight grasp.

Luhan comes back with Chanyeol. “Dr. Gongchan’s on his way.” The tall nurse mutters, stepping forward to assist Minseok, syringe in hand.

Jongin’s eyes widen. “No no no no! I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to!” He screams.

Chanyeol narrowly avoids being kicked in the face. “Jongin-ssi, please calm down. This won’t make you sleep. I promise. It’s just a little something to calm you down. Just until Dr. Gongchan arrives, okay?”

Jongin is breathing heavily, eyes wide. “I don’t want to sleep.” He chokes out.

“You won’t. Trust me.” Chanyeol reassures him as he plunges the needle into Jongin’s IV.

Jongin whimpers, but Chanyeol was telling the truth. He feels a strange sense of calm wash over him, and he slackens in Minseok’s arms. He’s not falling asleep, just as the nurse promised. But he’s calmer, more serene.

Luhan turns and opens the door when the psychologist arrives, and he quietly lets Dr. Gongchan inside. Chanyeol bids his leave to dispose of the syringe and as the door closes behind him, Dr. Gongchan speaks warmly. “Jongin-ah, are you okay?”

Minseok steps back to stand beside Luhan and the psychologist takes his place beside Jongin’s bed. Jongin shakes his head weakly. “No. Something… something feels wrong.”

Dr. Gongchan tilts his head inquiringly. “Can you tell me what it is?”

Jongin furrows his brows in concentration. “Something about Taemin… and… something else. I’m supposed to remember something… but I don’t.”

“It’s okay. Remember what we said about your memories coming back? It takes time, so don’t exert yourself.”

Jongin nods. “Yes, doctor, but… something’s wrong. I feel empty.”

Dr. Gongchan’s mouth opens slightly. _That’s new_. “Empty how, Jongin-ah? Is it your memories?”

“N-no.” Jongin sighs heavily and points to his chest. “In here. I feel empty in here.”

“What sort of emptiness do you feel, Jongin-ah?”

“Like… like I’m missing something… or someone.” Jongin breathes out shakily. “Did I… did I lose someone, hyungs?” he asks, turning to glance at Luhan and Minseok at the corner of the room. “Is that what I don’t remember?”

_ “Is that why I tried to kill myself?” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! So we're setting up for the last few stretches of this story, and it's getting more and more exciting with each turn.


	8. Misty Water Colored Memories

Surprisingly enough, it is Luhan who first recovers from the shared shock that rippled through all the people present in the room at the moment of Jongin’s truth bomb. Brows scrunched together, he swallows and licks his lips before saying something. “Jongin-ah…” he begins, clearing his throat uneasily. “What do you remember?”

The expression on Jongin’s face is unreadable. He’s still awash with the calm from the sedative, but his unease is threatening to break through it. “I tried to kill myself, didn’t I?” he asks tentatively, raising his wrists slowly and eyeing them warily. “It’s why I have these scars.”

Standing beside Luhan, Minseok makes a choked sound of surprise. Jongin glances at him and takes his reaction as an affirmation, looking down at his lap so his fringes cover his eyes. “Why?” he asks quietly. Dr. Gongchan is silent but alert at the conversation taking place.

“Why what?” Luhan stalls, pursing his lips worriedly.

Jongin looks up at his hyungs with an expression bordering on anguish. “Why didn’t you tell me? But more than that, why did I do it?”

The psychologist takes that moment to speak up, in his usual calm and soothing tone. “Jongin-ah, your friends didn’t tell you because its better for you to have remembered things on your own. People who get amnesia of any form get unwarranted stress from having to face such memories before their minds are ready.”

Jongin nods warily. “But I still don’t remember, I only surmised from the physical evidence,” he weakly motions to his wrists once more, “and what I felt in here.” He points to his heart, biting his lower lip apprehensively.

“Then it is only expected that you reacted the way you did.” Dr. Gongchan replies quietly.

“Can’t any of you at least tell me why? I should be prepared to know, right? At least I’d know why I did what I did.” Jongin sighs wearily, fisting his sheets petulantly as he does so.

Luhan and Minseok look unsurely in the psychologist’s direction before Dr. Gongchan adjusts his coat and speaks up. “It’s probably best to start from what triggered this. What do you remember about your friend, Taemin?” He motions for the two elders to sit down on the watcher’s bed, as he sits on the chair beside the bed.

Jongin’s eyes are unfocused as he tries to wade through his murky memories. “We were training for a dance showcase when he…”

There is silence as the three others wait patiently for Jongin to sort through his mind.

“When I…” the recollection takes a different turn, one closer to the vital truth everyone has been tiptoeing around since the incident. “Brokedown. I remember not being able to go to rehearsals, but I don’t know why. And Taemin, he was there, taking care of me, telling me…” he trails off, and unbidden tears well up in his eyes.

“I told him to leave, to seize our dreams for both of us.” Jongin’s lip quivers, and he sighs deeply. “The next thing I remember about him is seeing him here, and he seemed so strange, so different. He was speaking of things I couldn’t quite understand, but now that I think about it, make some sort of sense.” Dr. Gongchan nods encouragingly and Jongin continues, “He left, didn’t he? Taemin became an idol, he went after our dreams and he got it. But what about me? Where did that leave _me_?”

Minseok looks to the farther wall, trying not to show his tears in front of his dongsaeng. “Broken. It left you even more broken. Which is why you…” he says in a rush of words, but Jongin understands.

“What happened to me?” he asks despondently. “Why wasn’t I with him?”

Luhan opens his mouth to answer, but he glances at Dr. Gongchan at the last minute. The psychologist nods when he sees the hesitance in the elder’s eyes. “You were… depressed.”

Jongin’s eyes widen a fraction, but soon a somber expression clouds his face when he feels a tightening in his chest as if said illness was waking up from within him. But he knows that it wasn’t waking up, that it’s always been with him even when he didn’t remember it. The heavy feeling that wasn’t because of his physical injuries finally makes sense.

Soon, there’s a hammering in his head and Jongin winces. “Agh.” He grimaces.

Dr. Gongchan asks concernedly. “Jongin-ah, what’s wrong?”

“My head hurts.” He wheezes out.

The psychologist frets. “I think that’s enough for today. Don’t force yourself, you’re still recovering physically, and it’s taking a toll on your health. Your memories will come back in their own time, okay, Jongin?”

Jongin nods and breathes hard when the pain flashes through his head again.

“You should get some rest.” Dr. Gongchan murmurs. “I’ll be leaving now, I’ll see you soon.” He bows to Jongin and the hyungs as he leaves.

“We’ll talk when you wake up, okay? Get some sleep.” Luhan says to his dongsaeng, who nods and manages to fall asleep after a few moments.

Luhan sighs as he smooths the frown on Jongin’s forehead. “We should tell Sehun.” He says to Minseok.

Minseok nods slowly. “There’s something that I’ve been meaning to ask him as well.”

\--

They find Sehun in the cafeteria, picking at the sandwich he bought to eat.

“I’m sure I taught you not to play with your food.” Luhan sighs as they sit across their dongsaeng.

Sehun looks up in surprise and sees something in their expressions of his hyungs. “Is there something wrong? How’s Jongin?”

Minseok shakes his head. “He’s fine… for the most part. He’s sleeping right now.”

Sehun wrinkles his nose as he catches the ambiguity in Minseok’s statement. “For the most part?” he asks, tucking away the mostly uneaten sandwich to the side as he leans forward.

“Some of his memories are coming back,” Luhan answers quietly. “Specifically the ones about Taemin. We had to tell him the truth, he nearly blew a fuse freaking out when the memories were triggered. He seemed to have taken it well, but that was probably just the sedative that big elf nurse injected him with.”

The youngest sucks in a sharp breath at the news. But his reply takes Minseok and Luhan by surprise. “Hyung, don’t call Yeol-ssi that. His boyfriend’s sitting right behind you.” He manages to quip lightly.

The elders turn in surprise to see Baekhyun sullenly staring in their direction. “He’s not my boyfriend.” He stares pointedly at Sehun.

Sehun shakes his head. “Stop eavesdropping!”

Baekhyun’s eyes widen in surprise as he stands up abruptly and raises his hands in surrender. “Alright, alright. I’m leaving.” he walks backward, nearly bumping into Chanyeol in the process. “And he’s not my boyfriend!” he reacts to Sehun one last time as he turns and pushes the tall nurse out the cafeteria with him.

Sehun sighs and looks back to his surprised hyungs. “Anyway, you were saying?”

Minsk clears his throat. “Sehun-ah, how did we get here?”

Sehun blinks and brushes a dark lock of hair from where it was poking his eyes. “You rode the bus.” He answers simply.

Minseok sighs. “I know you know that but who bought the tickets? You told us you’d answer the question once we got here, but we haven’t gotten around to that. But now I’m asking you, who gave you those tickets?” Luhan frowns when he gets what Minseok was trying to ask.

The youngest sighs as a dark expression crosses his features. “That would have been Kyungsoo-hyung. Or should I say, _Dr. Do._”

“And the hospital bills? You told us someone offered to pay for that too. Was it him as well?” Luhan prods.

Sehun rolls his eyes. “Ah, that. That one has another answer. That was Taemin.” He says before he catches himself and slides further back in his seat when he realizes he’d let something he was trying to avoid talking about his slip.

Both hyungs frown at the revelation. Of course, they’d heard Jongin mention seeing Taemin recently, but they weren’t quite aware of the entire extent of said visit. “Why didn’t you tell us he was here?” Luhan asks, gripping the edge of the table not too kindly.

Sehun has the decency to shrink in his seat. “I didn’t know how to tell you two. After all, we would have gotten around it with the bills conversation. And uh, I guess I was right? Because here we… are?”

Minseok sighs and shakes his head. “Did you accept the offer?”

“I didn’t need to, as he was so insistent I think he would have shoved his credit card in my kidneys had I refused,” Sehun replies dryly.

Minseok nods, barely acknowledging the sassy quip that the younger had said. “That means he gave you a means to contact him. That’s good.”

“It is?” Sehun’s brow rises in inquiry.

Luhan nods as well as he loosens his grip on the table, understanding the conclusion his best friend was reaching. “It is. Because we need to talk to Taemin.”

\--

“His memories are coming back.”

Kyungsoo blinks warily. “I’m not sure why you’re telling me this, Baekhyun.”

“He’s trying to compensate for us getting you suspended.” Chanyeol offers, which earns him a painful whack on the shoulder from the smaller nurse.

Kyungsoo sighs, picking at his dextrose tube absentmindedly. “I’m not blaming you for that, I’ve already told Jongdae. Besides, it’s not like I can do anything about your information.”

“We could always sneak you in there, Dr. Soo.” Baekhyun offers.

“Thanks, but I’m not recuperating only to have pitchforks shoved into my already problematic heart should I break A., Junmyeon’s orders, and/or B., Minseok-hyung’s orders.” The wide-eyed doctor quips, smiling despite the lip quiver that the sharp-eyed Baekhyun manages to catch sight of. “You two should probably get back to your ward, you _are_ supposed to spend time there, you know?” he smiles weakly.

Chanyeol absentmindedly brushes a hand over Baekhyun’s arm as he replies. “Oh, our shift’s just ended, Dr. Soo. We were just about to catch the train home.”

“Together?” Kyungsoo asks teasingly.

Chanyeol blinks innocently at him. “Of course, Baek and I are roommates.” Baekhyun nods in agreement.

“Oh.” Kyungsoo laughs sheepishly. “I didn’t know that.”

“Well, we’ll give you more time to get to know us soon, Dr. Soo. But you’re right, we should let you get some rest.” Baekhyun grins. “But don’t forget, he’s remembering Taemin!” he shouts over his shoulder as Chanyeol quietly guides him out of the room.

Kyungsoo’s eyes wander to the way Baekhyun’s arm automatically lands on Chanyeol’s lower back as they leave the room. “I’ll keep that in mind, thank you, Baekhyun.” He smirks at the closing door. The smile falls from his face when he realizes what the short but sharp pang in his chest is. Baekhyun’s words affected him more than he let show.

He shudders as a shaky sigh falls from his lips, but he remembers Junmyeon’s words. “_Don’t strain yourself emotionally, Soo. You’ll die of a broken heart._” Junmyeon may have been half-joking when he uttered those words, but suddenly Kyungsoo’s not too sure of what’s feasible or not.

What he knows is that heart transplants don’t always end pretty, and the possible complications that loom over him may mean that he could pretty much leave without much of a choice. And his being hospitalized at the moment isn’t indicating a transplant going well. At least, not until Junmyeon figures out what’s happening to his heart.

Kyungsoo’s face crumples as the tears begin to fall. “Not again. I don’t want to leave him again. I don’t want to leave him for good without even saying sorry.” He whispers harshly to the despondent silence.

“But I don’t want to break his heart once again.”

Kyungsoo sighs. “I’m tired. So tired.”

“So. Tired.”

\--

“The good news is that it’s not a complication because of the transplant.” Junmyeon begins. “Which means you’re still very much well on that front.”

Kyungsoo knows Junmyeon well enough to hear what’s being unsaid. “You still don’t know what it is.” He states simply, even though he is somewhat relieved that none of the worse complications were threatening his life at the moment.

Junmyeon shakes his head. “No, we don’t. I’m still looking at the ‘broken heart’ possibility, but it’s not like my colleagues will take too kindly on that whimsical thought of mine.”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, though he half believes the possibility of it as well. “Well, it’s gladdening to know that I’m not dying on you anytime soon.”

Something flashes in Junmyeon’s eyes at the statement. “Soo, don’t say things like that.”

“But that’s what if felt like, Suho. I felt like I was dying.” Kyungsoo responds plainly.

Junmyeon stares at his best friend. “You sound like a teenager suffering from a break-up.”

Kyungsoo flushes at his friend’s blunt observation. “Shut up.”

“But seriously Soo, there seems to be no logical explanation to this.”

“And _you _don’t sound like the doctor you are right now, Junmyeon.”

Junmyeon shrugs and looks out the window. “I don’t know. Sometimes things don’t have to be logical to make sense.”

Kyungsoo huffs. “Now you’re just starting to sound like Jongin.”

“And now you’re starting to sound like a _hopeless_ teenager with a crush.”

“Why are you my friend again, Junmyeon?”

“Because I’m the best friend who says don’t worry, he’ll remember you.”

“That’s what I’m worried about.”

\--

“Kim Jongdae, get off your bum and come on. We have some atoning to plan and do.”

“Aren’t you being a little bit too overdramatic, Byun Baekhyun?”

“Why are we using full names, you two?”

“Shut up and just come with us, Park Chanyeol.” 


	9. Memories May Be Beautiful And Yet

The day after Jongin’s breakdown, Taemin arrives in a nondescript van wearing a hoodie and a face mask, enough for him to blend in almost seamlessly with the other patients in the hospital. Sehun intercepts him at the hospital lobby warily and accompanies him to the cafeteria where the two hyungs are waiting. “Is everything okay?” the up and rising idol asks in a worried tone as they walk. “Is Jongin alright?”

“Depends what you mean by alright,” Sehun replies, cryptic.

Taemin sighs. “Look, Sehun. I know you’re not a big fan of what happened between my best friend and I all those years ago, but I’m sorry you can’t stand me, okay?”

Sehun rolls his eyes as he sees the table where Minseok and Luhan are sitting in deep conversation with each other. “Yeah, okay.” Is all he says before he seeks the comfort of sitting beside Luhan. Taemin sits across the three of them with an expectant look on his face. Before he could even get a word out, Luhan speaks up. “Jongin already knows about… well, about you.”

Taemin frowns. “Well, it’s good that he’s remembering, right? Is he mad at me?”

Luhan shrugs. “That’s the problem. He didn’t remember it on his own. We had to tell him because he inadvertently connected some dots here and there. We’re not sure he knows just how to respond to the new knowledge at this point.”

“Oh.” Is Taemin’s only reply to the revelation. He sits in silence, contemplating the situation. “So… why have you asked me to meet with you? Is this about the bills? Because I’m still going to pay for those. Not because I’m trying to compensate for leaving him while he was down, but because he’s my friend.”

Minseok clears his throat and speaks up. “We think… that it’s a good idea for you to talk to him. Clear some things up. He might have some questions. And… it’s probably good that you’re there to answer them. We think he’s just coming to terms with the knowledge of his d-depression, and the dream he left behind when it first happened… It’s just… you have quite some things to discuss, and it’d do Jongin good to not let him stew in queries, you know?”

A slow nod. “I get it. And I do have time, at least for the rest of the day.” Taemin stands and bows to the three people in front of him. “Thank you.” Minseok and Luhan nod uncertainly, while Sehun gives a begrudging shrug.

As soon as he is out of the door, all three give loud sighs. “I hope we’re doing the right thing,” Minseok mutters. He brushes his fringe out of his eyes in a nervous tic. 

Luhan sighs again and pats Sehun’s thigh to comfort the younger.

_“Shame about Doctor Do, isn’t it?” _a voice behind them says. It is quiet enough for it to be a part of a conversation between the people on the table behind theirs, but Minseok, Luhan, and Sehun stiffen up at the mention of a familiar name and could not turn around to determine who the speaker was.

Another voice speaks up. _“Yeah, it’s too bad he had to be suspended. I heard he saved that patient’s life.” _

Suspended? Kyungsoo, suspended? Luhan and Minseok share confused looks and Sehun frowns.

Someone else speaks another different voice. _“But he _did _breach the rules about operating on friends and family.” _

The second person hums thoughtfully. _“Still, he saved that patient, didn’t he? He did it because Dr. Yifan wasn’t around to handle it, and it was an emergency. That patient would probably not be conscious right now if it wasn’t for him.” _

_“Dr. Zhang had to step in mid-operation, so they said.” _The first voice.

_“What happened?” _The third speaker asks, intrigued.

_“Complications with his condition, I guess? He _is _confined right now.” _It is the second speaker who shines light on the situation.

Three pairs of eyes widen at what they’re hearing, and the dawn of realization almost sends them reeling over on the table in shock. A suspension, which explained why Kyungsoo was packing up when they last saw him. And complications with his medical condition led to his current confinement, which they didn’t even know about because they didn’t bother to hear his explanations.

_“How is he?” _the owner of the first voice asks with a tone of anxiety.

_“Dr. Kim says he’s stable, but his condition is quite… complicated right now. His recovery after the operation was less than stellar, so we’re keeping an eye on him just in case. But I think he’s more broken up because of that patient than anything else. He also took care of the watcher, so they must have been close, huh?” _is the diligent reply of the owner of the third voice.

One of the other two mutters. _“The past tense being the operative tense here.” _

Luhan and Minseok turn inquiring looks in Sehun’s direction and the boy shrugs to confirm it. _It’s true_, his gesture says. With raised brows, Minseok turns to look at who the mysterious voices belong to. Luhan follows suit and they come face to face with the figures of the two nurses at Jongin’s ward, and the intern that was always hanging around with them at the cafeteria.

All three had their backs turned to them, and with a silent agreement, Sehun and his companions stand up to leave. The moment they’re out of the door, Baekhyun turns to confirm their leaving and sighs.

“Well, we did what we could.”

“Let’s hope your genius plan works, Jongdae.” Chanyeol looks at the intern.

Jongdae gives them a mock affronted glare. “Well, when you called for a meeting on how we could atone, I didn’t realize that there was no plan yet. That’s the best I could come up with at the moment.”

Chanyeol gives him a slow nod. “Uh-huh.”

\--

Kyungsoo is woken from his deep slumber at the loud crash of his room’s door hitting the wall. Disoriented, he wakes up with a gasp. Consciousness still not quite caught up with his body’s waking state, he sits up abruptly and groans as he tries to orient himself, heart beating erratically. “What-“ his heart monitor beeps incessantly, reflecting the wild staccato going on inside his chest.

Three figures rush in, and Kyungsoo gapes at them as his brain makes the connection of who is standing in his room. “What’s going on?” He asks, panicked. “What’s wrong, is he okay?!”

“Hyung. Hyung! He’s fine.” Sehun gasps as he tries to regain his breath.

Kyungsoo relaxes marginally and leans back on his bed, confusion and panic still rushing through his veins. “I don’t understand. What are you doing here? _How _did you find out I was here?”

“We uh, we overheard the nurses and that other guy they always hang out with at the cafeteria,” Luhan answers with a sheepish shrug.

Kyungsoo narrows his eyes at this. Somehow, he knows that Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Jongdae were far more involved with the sudden appearance of these three than they appeared to be.

“Is it true?” Minseok asks, but Kyungsoo’s reply is interrupted when a nurse runs in, looking frazzled.

“Doctor Do, are you alright?” she asks, panting.

“I’m okay, Nurse Dara, thank you.” Kyungsoo answers politely, surprised at the nurse’s sudden appearance.

The nurse nods once to him and turns to look at the three figures still standing by the door. “And you three! Slamming doors in a hospital, what on earth are you on about?!” she shrieks in a controlled volume. “You’re not even supposed to be here! Dr. Junmyeon said, ‘no visitors’.” She says, gritting her teeth. 

“It’s okay… Let them stay for a while.” Kyungsoo says, surprising all of them.

Nurse Dara looks uncomfortable with the request but finally sighs and nods. “I understand. But remember what Dr. Junmyeon said Doc.” She gives Kyungsoo a rueful smile as she leaves and closes the door _quietly _with a pointed look at the three.

“Feisty.” Sehun comments, looking properly cowed.

“Just doing her job.” Kyungsoo shrugs. “Anyway, why…”

Minseok walks over to the side of the bed. “Kyungsoo, is it true?” he asks, echoing his unanswered question from earlier. “Did you really get suspended because you operated on Jongin?”

Kyungsoo frowns. “Not that it’s supposed to be broadcasted, but yes…”

“Is it also true what you did for Sehun before we arrived? And that you were the one responsible for actually getting us here?” Luhan asks.

“I suppose so, yes,” Kyungsoo answers and gives Sehun a look loaded with meaning. “But I told him I wasn’t doing it to buy back affections. I wasn’t doing any of it as a means to that end.”

Sehun looks away from the gaze. “I- we know, hyung. But thanks anyway.”

“Just looking out for the people I care about.” Kyungsoo mumbles.

“But you got suspended.” Luhan reacts, walking over to stand beside his best friend. Sehun shuffles closer as well but only reaches until the end of the bed.

Kyungsoo nods. “Yeah, but it was that or lose Jongin… again.” He takes a shuddering breath. “I didn’t even know it was him until Dr. Zhang told me the patient’s name and I wasn’t a hundred percent sure until I saw him on that operating table. And god, it was horrible.” His lips twitch downwards at the sudden surge of emotion that came with the flashback of how Jongin looked on the operating table.

“Why did you do it?” Minseok asks, earning him a surprised and teary look from the doctor.

“If you’re asking why I left him or why I still did the operation even though I knew there was a chance of suspension, then the answer’s the same. I loved him, hyung. I loved him and I still do. And yet, I always end up hurting him.” The tears start to fall and Kyungsoo sobs, muffling himself with his sweater’s sleeve. “Somehow, even though I do my best and choose the path where he’d least likely get hurt, it still happens.”

Minseok wipes a tear off his cheek in a harsh motion. “You don’t know what he went through after you left.”

“I know, and I deserve to pay this price now. Of him forgetting me because I deserve it. I deserve it after all the pain I brought to him… and you.”

“But you’re in here now,” Luhan observes despondently. “Doesn’t that mean that something has been eating you up inside already? Doesn’t that mean that you’re already getting punished enough?”

Kyungsoo’s lip quivers as he shakes his head. “It will never be enough.”

“Hyung, stop it.” Sehun implores. “Don’t... I just can’t see any more of my friends getting hurt. Emotionally or otherwise.”

Minseok sighs. “We can’t keep you from seeing him anymore, Kyungsoo.”

“What?” the neurosurgeon’s eyes widen in disbelief.

“He’s remembering. And it would probably be a whole lot better for all our sakes if you were there once he does.” Luhan supplies, wringing his hands as he explains. “And while what you did for us doesn’t erase the pain you’ve previously brought upon us… it’s only fair that we give you a chance.”

“I can’t say I’ve forgiven you…” Minseok adds, looking morose. “But if Jongin will be willing to try, then I will too.” 

“You… you’ve done so much for us since we last saw you. You saved Jongin’s life at the cost of your career, you’ve taken care of me even when I made it clear that I didn’t want you to, and you brought the hyungs here.” Sehun says, his usual passive expression marred by tears falling from his eyes. “Kyungsoo-hyung, Jongin needs you this time around. And it would be more than ideal if you don’t die on us for real this time.”

Kyungsoo lets out a strangled laugh despite his tears. “I’m not… dying, I mean. At least, I hope I’m not. No one knows what’s wrong with my heart yet. We’re still waiting for some test results.”

“Is it anything potentially serious?” Luhan asks, crossing his arms with worry on his face.

“It’s not a complication from the transplant, so it’s probably not that grave.” Kyungsoo shakes his head. “But anyway, if all three of you are here, who’s with Jongin?”

The three share looks before Sehun finally supplies an answer. “Taemin. They’re supposed to be talking right now after Luhan-hyung and Minseok-hyung had to tell Jongin about Taemin yesterday.”

“What? Why?”

“He asked.” Minseok shrugs.

“I… don’t know what to say.”

“We don’t either.” Luhan sighs, ruffling his hair. “We’re just doing what we think is best and hope it all turns out okay.”

“Isn’t that what we all do in life after all?” is Kyungsoo’s quiet comment.

\--

_The cold wind whips loudly in his ears as he walks up a sloping path. The sound is deafening, overwhelmingly so. Twigs and other debris fly around, and he has to avoid them with each step he takes closer to the edge. It’s still dark beyond the horizon because the sun has not risen yet, but even then he probably wouldn’t catch a glimpse of the sunlight streaming through the dark clouds cast overhead. _

_The heaviness from within had grown over the past days to the point that it was unbearable and suffocating. The whole night spent in a fitful thrashing, the decision came with the promise of sweet relief. Of finally breaking free of the ball and chain holding him down. _

_Barely registering the fact that he’s barefoot and stones and twigs cut sharply into his feet, he continues forward. One step after another until he reaches his destination. The wind is howling so much louder now, and it nearly pushes him back. He has half a mind not to let himself be shoved by the strong gusts of wind coming his way. _

_All that’s left now is to jump. _

_His hair gets increasingly tousled the longer he stands on the edge, and he can tell that the rain will come soon. It starts with a soft drizzle and eventually escalates into a torrential downpour. The mere force of the winds and the rain washing over him sends him shivering and he tries to keep himself warm by shoving his hands into his drenched hoodie, failing miserably in the process. He hisses in air through his mouth and shudders. _

_All it would take is one small step to fall over the edge. _

_Just one last step to end it all. _

_The pressure against his chest becomes even more unbearably tight, and he feels that he couldn’t stand a second more of the feeling. Just as the cuts relieved some of the pressure before, he knows that this one last attempt will finally set him free. _

_They’d understand. _

_Or they won’t, but he won’t be around to rationalize anymore. They wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore after this. _

_One last bother. _

_They’ll get over it. _

_Besides, they never understood how it felt. They have no right to judge him for doing this. _

_It’s become too much to handle over time. And try as they might, they couldn’t help relieve the emotions eating him up. Soon there’ll be nothing left but a mess to clean, but if he could help it, he’d rather not bother them until then. He knew exactly what a dead weight felt because one was inside him. He’d prefer not to be one to the only people who ever bothered to care for him. All the others… they left. It was only a matter of time before the others do too. _

_So this was hitting two birds with one stone. Preemption and preservation. _

_He couldn’t take it anymore. He’s torn between numbness and excruciating pain inside, and it’s tearing him apart._

_And so he jumps. _

_If he thought it was freezing where he stood before jumping, then the frigid rushing waters that engulf him soon prove him otherwise. He could hear the water opening up and swallowing him as soon as he hit the surface and by force of instinct, he pumps his arms and legs to bring himself up. _

_The clothes are making him heavier and make it harder to break the surface, and as soon as he does, the large crashing waves slam into him, pulling him deep under again. He gasps, but he’s not breathing in air. The sharp pang of seawater filling his mouth and lungs sends him into a frenzy, limbs flailing to swim up once more. _

_He manages once more, coughing and sputtering helplessly. A wave hits him and sends him to the rocky area near the shore, and he could feel himself being thrashed around like a rag doll. _

_He could hear someone shouting his name in the distance, but that’s probably just because he’s dying. The water and rocks are relentless in throwing him around, and he soon feels himself losing consciousness. _

_“Jongin!” someone shouts, voice getting closer and closer…_

_“Jongin!” _

“Jongin!”

Someone jolts him awake and he sits up coughing and gasping, tears streaming down his face. He feels a sharp pain from one of the stitches on his side and he inhales deeply. The hands that were shaking him awake are still tightly grasping his arms and he looks up to see the panicked face of his childhood best friend.

“You were thrashing around in your sleep.” Taemin breathes out shakily, his entire body quivering. “You kept saying the same thing, over and over again. ‘_I don’t want to die yet_.’ Oh god, Jongin.”

Jongin is shaking as well, breathing heavily, gaze not quite focused yet.

“Jongin, you’re okay,” Taemin whispers forcefully. “You’re okay.”

Jongin gasps again, inhaling so deeply he feels his lungs would burst with the amount of air he took in. “I… I –I… I. I-… I-” he stutters.

“You’re okay,” Taemin says again, hugging him tightly. “You’re alive.”

It is then that Jongin starts weeping, moaning with raw emotion. Taemin continues to whisper assurances as his best friend breaks down in his arms. Jongin’s body is wracked with uncontrollable sobs as his best friend rocks him comfortingly.

Taemin doesn’t know how long they were in the cycle of crying and comforting until Jongin eventually passes out on his shoulder out of sheer exhaustion. He gently settles Jongin back onto his pillows and sighs wearily as he gets his phone from his pocket.

\--

Sehun picks up on the first ring, voice laced with apprehension. “Hello?”

Luhan, Minseok, and Kyungsoo shoot him curious and concerned looks.

“What?!” he shouts sharply. “I swear to the high heavens, Taemin if you did something to him…”

Kyungsoo clenches his fists beside him. “What’s going on?” he asks, hearing the small sound of Taemin’s rapid-fire voice on the other end of the line.

Sehun bites his lip so hard it starts bleeding and Luhan immediately reaches out to steady the youngest. “It’s Jongin. Something happened. We have to go back.”

“Go,” Kyungsoo says sharply, commanding the attention of the three boys in the room with him. They look at him in surprise. “Go. He needs you.”

“But what about you?” Minseok asks.

“I’ll be okay. I’ll live. Update me when you can, I won’t exactly be going anywhere. Go!”

It’s Sehun who starts running towards the door first, and the two hyungs follow in his tracks.

Kyungsoo’s left staring at an ominous swinging door when they’re gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the thing, I have at least 2 or 3 more stories left to tell from this AU. A Baekyeol-centric one and a Kray & Tao-centered one (those three are related in an almost unimaginable way, really) are the most definite ones at this point. Not to mention a drabble collection that would explore the Beagle Line dynamics, the SeTao friendship, the SuChen mentorship (and who knows, maybe more?), what happens to the main characters of Breathless after the fic, and such.  
Maybe someday down the line, I'd tell the story of Minseok, Luhan, and Sehun too. But not quite yet, as they're three of the most major players in this fic anyways. 
> 
> I just really really hope that you're even remotely interested to read those future endeavors of mine in this AU. I would have interspersed those stories in this fic (in fact the original ending of this fic has become the driving point of the Kray storyline), but I thought it would be better if this one just focused on Kaisoo as it was what I started this out to be. 
> 
> Anyways, what's the use of having a story to tell if no one's interested, right? So let me know your thoughts in the comments!


	10. Tell Me Would We, Could We?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Breathless's penultimate chapter (before the Epilogue, that is)!
> 
> *hands out tissue boxes*

_Hey, has anyone seen Kyungsoo-hyung? He wasn’t at the house when I woke up…” he asks as the bells of the café jangle to indicate his arrival. He glances around the small space to determine if said hyung was anywhere in it, but he wasn’t. Only when he zeroes back into the faces of the three who were staring at him does he get a sinking feeling in his chest. _

_It’s Sehun’s stricken expression that hits him like a punch in the gut. _

_“Sehun? Minseok-hyung? Luhan-hyung? Where is he?” he asks, looking around the café once more, thinking that he just missed the dark-haired hyung the first time. _

_“Jongin-ah, it’s okay.” Minseok begins, but he cuts him off. They _never _call him Jongin. _

_“Hyung! Kyungsoo-hyung! Where are you?” he calls out, frantically opening the door to look outside. “Hyung? Where is my hyung? I need to find Kyungsoo-hyung, he’s out there somewhere.” He exhales in a rush and runs out of the café before anyone could stop him. _

_“Jongin!” he can hear Luhan-hyung shouting behind him. But he can’t stop, not now. “Jongin, stop!” _

_But he doesn’t listen and runs back to the apartment because Kyungsoo-hyung probably left him a note to tell him where he’s gone. He runs and runs, knowing Kyungsoo-hyung’s around somewhere and he just needs to be sure where._

_When he reaches the apartment, he is out of breath and he fumbles with the key before he could open the door properly. He runs to the kitchen, checking the magnets on the fridge and the table, but sees nothing out of the normal._

_“Kyungsoo?” _

_He runs to his bedroom, bed still unmade from where he’d rolled off earlier that morning. Nothing. He runs to Kyungsoo’s room and freezes just as thundering footsteps behind him indicate someone’s arrival. _

_“Jongin-ah.” Luhan-hyung wheezes. _

_He couldn’t speak, not as he processes the sight before his eyes. _

_The bed is made, but that’s to be expected because Kyungsoo has taken to sleeping in his bedroom with him. But what got his tongue was the fact that the cabinets and drawers were all open and empty, telling him something he’d rather not know. _

_“No.” he whispers. “No, this isn’t true. What the fuck is this?!” he backs up in disbelief and he feels his back hit the other wall. _

_“Jongin, listen to me…” Luhan-hyung implores._

_“No no no no. Explain!” he shouts eyes widening as he takes in a shuddering breath. “What the fuck is going on?” _

_“I can’t.” the hyung’s lower lip quivers. “I can’t explain.” _

_He moans in agony, sinking to the floor. His chest is unbearably tight. “No.” _

_And then he hears it, a whisper, a promise. _

“I love you, Kai.”

\--

It’s Sehun who reaches the room first, panting heavily as he twists the knob on the door to open it and barge inside. He sees Taemin sitting on the edge of the bed with a stricken look on his face. “What happened?”

“I think he remembered. The suicide attempt. Or _a _suicide attempt. I don’t know.” Taemin whispers with a shaky breath. His hands are clenched on his lap and he is shaking uncontrollably. “He was just shouting that he didn’t want to die yet and thrashing around and crying in his sleep so I woke him up and he just wouldn’t stop crying afterward.” He angles his body to look at Jongin whimpering in his sleep. Taemin sighs and runs a shaking hand through his hair.

“And then he passed out?” Sehun asks just as the two hyungs arrive in the room, catching their breaths with a nurse at their heels. Sehun steps forward to block Taemin from the nurse’s view and flips the idol’s hoodie onto his head to hide his face. “I’m sorry, but our friend isn’t feeling well. I’ll just take him outside to get some air.” He mutters quickly, as Taemin shoots him a surprised but grateful look.

Minseok gives a firm nod in understanding. “Is Kai okay?” he asks instead, leading the nurse further into the room and giving Sehun ample space to usher Taemin out of the room, luckily without being recognized.

Sehun shrugs helplessly and leads Taemin towards the door, the nurse fortunately too focused on checking up on Jongin’s state to notice.

Sehun and Taemin barely hear the nurse’s confirmation that Jongin’s vitals were stable before the door closes behind them.

Taemin is still shaking when he turns to face Sehun in the hallway. “T-thanks.” He brings up the mask back up to cover his mouth.

Sehun shrugs, nonchalant, but his face betrays his worry. “Do you… do you think he remembered?”

“I don’t know…” Taemin shakes his head. “He was screaming repeatedly that he didn’t want to die and he was flailing around. Was he- did he try to drown himself?”

Sehun releases a shuddering exhale and nods, a memory flashing through his head. “He did. Oh, gods. He’s remembered.”

Taemin sighs. “I don’t think I should be here. I don’t think it would do him any good to relive the pain all over again…”

“No,” Sehun answers firmly. “Don’t be a coward. Face him and apologize for the shit you left him in. I know he told you to seize your dreams, but you could’ve been there for him when he needed you most. I know that may sound selfish for Kai, but you were his _best friend. _You should have understood that.” ready

Taemin inhales deeply and nods. “My offer to pay the bills still stands, no matter what. Contact me when he’s awake and ready to talk to me… But if he doesn’t want to face me, then tell me. I’d understand.”

“Why do both of you underestimate how much you meant to him?” Sehun asks, frustrated.

“What? Who else are you talking about?”

Sehun shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll contact you when everything’s calmed down. You better get out of here before anyone recognizes you.”

Taemin reacts as if to answer, but nods once instead.

\--

"_He hasn't woken up since_."

Kyungsoo's breath hitches. "It must have come as a pretty big surprise to his system."

"_Hyung, I'm scared,_" Sehun mumbles on the other end of the line.

"I know, Sehun-ah. I know... But you've got Minseok-hyung and Luhan-hyung. You've even got me... and I'd hate to admit it, but Taemin too. We're all here for you. For each other. For Jongin. Whether by our own choice or not, we're all bound together by him."

"_But hyung... what if he tries again? What if once he remembers what was so unbearable that he tried to end his life for good, he gets driven to that point again? I can still see it in my head, hyung. That moment when I pulled him out of those waters. He may have forgotten, but I haven't._" Kyungsoo suddenly realizes that Sehun has been carrying more weight on his shoulders than anyone could comprehend. "_What will we do then, Kyungsoo-hyung_?" Sehun asks quietly with an underlying current in his voice.

"We'll..." Kyungsoo hiccups. "We'll be there to help him see what's worth living for. And you have my promise that I won't leave ever again. If he... If he'll have me."

Sehun sighs. “_Hyung, can’t you just come here_?”

The last part is heard by Junmyeon who has just entered Kyungsoo’s room. He gives a wary glance at the neurosurgeon’s phone but his expression soon turns to worry when he catches sight of his friend’s tear-streaked face.

_What’s wrong? _He mouths.

Kyungsoo answers with a helpless shrug and silent tears. “I’ll have to ask Suho, okay? Believe me, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to be there. But I’d like to be sure I’d be alive if I do so.”

Sehun sniffles. “_Okay, hyung_.”

“I’ll talk to you later, Sehun-ah.”

Once the call ends, Kyungsoo turns to Junmyeon with a somber face. “Kai had another episode. Sehun thinks it was the memory of the last attempt. Taemin was there, and from what I gather, it was a particularly taxing encounter.”

Jumyeon bites his lip in sympathy. “That couldn’t have been pretty.” He remarks.

“Tell me about it.” Kyungsoo’s sigh is long and tired.

“I’m afraid I bring more bad news.” Suho grimaces. “We’ve discovered minor complications from your transplant. Your blood pressure has been getting abnormally high lately, which explains the frequent tightening in your chest. I think the whole situation with Jongin triggered it, which is why it hasn’t been a problem in the past.”

Kyungsoo raises his brows wearily. “What needs to be done?”

“More medication, to be honest.” Suho scratches his head. “Not to mention you really should be avoiding any situation that could trigger attacks, or else you might get a heart attack.”

“I don’t even want to know what the side effects of the medication combined with what I already am taking could be.” Kyungsoo huffs, falling back on his pillow. “I’m pretty sure I took that up in med school but really. I specialized.”

“Basically, it all comes down to you taking it easy,” Junmyeon says as he sits down on the chair beside the bed. “And given what’s been happening with Kim Jongin, it’s been antithetical.”

Kyungsoo nods. “So it’s either I die because of my complications or I die because you kill me for not listening to you?”

“You not dying would be the most optimal, Kyungsoo.”

There is a moment of silence as Kyungsoo weighs in his friend’s statement.

“But maybe love could heal a broken heart, who knows.”

“That’s fucking cheesy.”

“My point being…” Junmyeon drawls, turning his head to stare at his friend. “Maybe being with him would lessen your tendency to be stressed.”

Kyungsoo furrows his brows. “What are you-?”

“_Just _maybe. But you didn’t hear that from me.” Suho shrugs meaningfully.

“You’re the best friend and worst fucking doctor ever, Suho.”

“That’s why you love me.”

“True.”

The beeping of the pieces of machinery fills in the silence as the two friends revel in the situation.

“As long as you don’t kill me. Directly or otherwise.”

Suho hums. “That’s what friends are for.”

“…So what’s up with you and the intern?”

“What’s u- _what_?”

“Oh my god.”

“Your meds are talking.”

“Shut up.”

“_You _shut up!”

\--

“Oh my god, is that…” Jongdae gapes.

“Dammit Jongdae, shut your mouth or else we’d be in trouble again,” Baekhyun warns, staring just at intently at the sight before their eyes.

Chanyeol unsuccessfully tries to tug the two away from the glass window of room 408. “Come on you two, I’m sure Dr. Zhang and-“

“Hello, boys.”

“Director Amber!” three voices chorus in mortification.

\--

“Minseok-hyung?” comes a warbled call from the bed. Minseok raises his head from the table so abruptly he gets whiplash and he shakes Luhan awake. “Luhan-hyung?” the voice calls again. The two boys rush towards the bed.

“Jongin-ah, are you okay?” Luhan asks the disoriented boy.

“I… don’t know,” Jongin admits, blinking to focus himself.

“It’s okay. Just take your time. We’re right here.” Minseok soothes him, sitting on the bed. Luhan sits beside him.

“Mmmkay…” Jongin mumbles before he adjusts his position, snuggling closer to his hyungs and promptly falls asleep again.

Luhan sighs, half relieved that their dongsaeng seems to be recovering from what had happened earlier. Minseok lays his head on Luhan’s shoulder in exhaustion.

They both freeze up at the next mumble that comes from their sleeping dongsaeng’s mouth.

“_Kyung…soo-hyung.” _

\--

“I can’t do it, Suho.”

“Please. I’m not unplugging your heart monitor for nothing.”

“I can’t believe you’re arranging a jailbreak for me, your own patient.” Kyungsoo hisses, staring as his best friend fiddles around with the machines connected to him. 

Suho’s reply is muffled because he’s currently rummaging behind a huge machine. “It’s more of a _hospital _break, technically.”

“You know what I mean.” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, knowing that even though his friend couldn’t see him, Suho knows what his expression is.

“_Don’t _roll your eyes at me.” Suho quips.

_Bingo._

Suho sighs wearily and peeks his head out from behind the heart monitor. “Seriously though. You could do this.”

Kyungsoo frowns and fiddles with the clothes that Junmyeon had brought him. “I don’t think I’m aware of what exactly is supposed to go down as I do _this_?”

“Basically you get to see Jongin again, and hopefully he’s awake by now. You get to go around the Director’s mandate of not setting foot in the hospital to see him because technically, you’re still confined. You get to visit him as Kyungsoo and not as Dr. Kyungsoo. Or whatever. Something vaguely romantic like that.” Junmyeon answers, and with one triumphant tug, he manages to unplug the stubbornly jammed machine from the socket. “There we go! Now off you go to change.”

“Why are you doing this?

“To make my best friend happy,” Suho answers simply. “And don’t you fucking say that you don’t deserve it or I’ll jam this plug into your throat until it jumpstarts your transplanted heart to think for you.”

“…That’s not physically possible.”

“Just go to change, damn it. Or do I have to do that for you? It won’t be the first time, so no malice there.”

“Fine!” Kyungsoo barks sharply. He surprises Junmyeon, who raises his brows in reaction. “Fine, I’ll do it. Even if I don’t believe I deserve it. Even if I don’t think he’ll want me there. But screw it. I’ll do it because you all think that it would be the best for both of us, even though that’s seriously very questionable given the circumstances.”

Junmyeon’s expression softens. “Kyungsoo…”

Kyungsoo rips off the wires connected to his chest and grabs at the change of clothes. He shakily gets off the bed and walks to the bathroom.

Junmyeon stews in guilty silence before the door to the bathroom opens again and Kyungsoo steps out, wearing the civilian clothes and his hospital robes in hand. Their eyes meet and Junmyeon sees the apprehension in his best friend’s doe eyes.

“There aren’t any guarantees, you’re right,” Suho admits softly. “But you’ve got to believe in something at times like this, and no matter how intangible or illogical it may seem, I hope that you at least believe in love.”

Kyungsoo looks down at the floor, breathing heavily.

“Because from what you’ve told me about him, that’s what Kai believes in. That’s the language he speaks. So I…”

“Thank you, Suho.” Kyungsoo whispers.

Suho blinks. “Come on,” He gently takes the bundle of robes from Kyungsoo’s hands. “I’ll have to distract the nurses now.”

\--

Much like his first visit to Jongin’s room, it’s Sehun who sees him first. Just as he had on that day, Sehun leans on the wall outside the door, looking morosely at the floor.

“Sehun-ah,” Kyungsoo whispers when he gets close enough. The boy raises his gaze in surprise.

But unlike that first day, the expression on Sehun’s face after the recognition is not one of anger, but of relief.

“Hyung. You’re here.”

“Suho… arranged it.”

“Kai… he’s asleep right now. He woke up a couple of times since the time Taemin was here, but he’s been quiet when he did. He wouldn’t talk to us, or to anyone for that matter. He’d just stare into space, eat when food is offered, but other than those and the standard interactions, he doesn’t speak at all.” Sehun says with worry. “Dr. Gongchan dropped by and said that he’s probably still processing it all, so we shouldn’t worry. But I can’t help it, hyung.”

Kyungsoo grips the boy’s arm in reassurance.

“Are you going to see him?” Sehun asks.

Kyungsoo nods slowly. “It’s not going to be easy, but I need to do it.”

Sehun purses his lips in understanding. “I’ll go and tell the hyungs.” He disappears into the room and for a few moments, Kyungsoo deliberates not going through with it. Before he could make sense of his misgivings, the door opens again and three people file out.

Minseok sighs and motions his head towards the door. Luhan gives him a reassuring smile.

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath and twists the knob open.

\--

The room is eerily silent save for the machines beeping around the bed and Jongin’s breathing as he sleeps deeply. Kyungsoo could feel his heartbeat speeding up in apprehension and wills it to calm down. He walks closer over to the bed and stands there as he looks at Kai’s sleeping form.

The familiarity of Kai, up close and personal, still overwhelms Kyungsoo’s senses. He feels his lips quivering as a sob escapes his throat. The guilt which has been eating him up for years surges to the surface, and Kyungsoo couldn’t keep himself from shaking with emotion.

He finds himself humming a song. _Their _song. The song that changed their lives for the better… or for the worse. Kyungsoo hums it, tears beginning to fall from his eyes as he wraps his arms around himself tightly. He begins to sing, the fateful afternoon running through his memory. Each hug, each kiss, each little thing that he shared with the boy to whom he might as well be a stranger.

_Kai’s scars. Kyungsoo kisses each one, stopping only when he sees the tears in Kai’s eyes. He puts a hand on the dancer’s face and presses their foreheads together, wishing all the younger boy’s pains away._

_Kai, sleeping peacefully, snuggled in his bed with Kyungsoo beside him. Kyungsoo looking at him bathed in moonlight, wishing that moments like such would never end. _

_Kai, laughing as he and Sehun embark in another silly endeavor, smiling cheekily at Kyungsoo when he clucks his tongue playfully at them. _

_Kai, eating across the table, lips pouting as he chews. _

_Kai, dancing. _

_Kai, looking at him with pure, unspoken love. _

_Kai’s lips brushing gentle kisses to Kyungsoo’s temples early in the morning. _

_Kai’s soft sighs of contentment as their lips meet in moments surging with the affection they feel for each other._

_Kai trying hard not to cry in front of his hyung, and failing miserably. Kyungsoo takes him in his arms and pats his back comfortingly, murmuring assurances. _

_Kai smirking at him after he caught Kyungsoo staring from across the table._

_Kai lying on the floor of the apartment, asking how it was so that Taemin could have just left him like that. _

Kyungsoo sings mournfully, remembering what Sehun, Luhan, and Xiumin had said to him, and he wishes that he could turn back time and never have hurt Kai. But he can’t, and this is his punishment. And he sings, softly, choked up by his sadness.

He keeps on singing until he couldn’t anymore until the tears are too much to keep going. He sings until his throat is dry and his voice is cracked, sobs heaving from his chest. A hand slowly reaches out to wipe the tear making its way down his cheek and holds on to his still firmly-clasped arms. He looks up slowly and meets Jongin’s sad eyes, a small smile on the boy’s face.

“Hi,” Kai whispers, tears forming in his own eyes.

Kyungsoo sees it then, the recognition, and the _pain_. But he also sees something else, something warm, familiar: love.

“Hi.”


	11. Epilogue: We Will Remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The conclusion to Breathless, originally posted a whole damn year after the last chapter. What a terrorist I was...

_“Hi.” _

“Here lies Do Kyungsoo, beloved son, friend, doctor, and…”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

“Shut the fuck up, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun cuts his tirade short and looks around the room with narrowed eyes. His gaze falls on the wheezing cardiologist in the corner.

“When I told him to _go_, I meant to go _to Jongin. _Not _go have a heart attack.” _Junmyeon mutters, pacing anxiously. He looks up and glares at a somber-looking Kim Jongin. “This is your fault.” He sighs in exasperation. 

Kyungsoo coughs. “I’m right here, Suho.” He admonishes. “Don’t mind him. S’not your fault.” He mumbles in the general direction of Jongin.

“Is this even legal?” Jongdae pipes up, motioning at the two hospital beds side by side. Kyungsoo in one, hooked up to several machines once more, and Jongin on the other, with his own set of machines surrounding him.

Suho snorts. “At this point, I don’t even care, I’m resigning, if Director Amber does not fire me first.”

“Stop being so melodramatic.” Kyungsoo waves his hand awkwardly in Junmyeon’s direction. “I’ll live.”

“You. Had. A. Heart. Attack!” Junmyeon shouts, rattling everyone present in the room before his mouth is abruptly covered by Jongdae’s hand.

“Calm down, Doctor Kim, please…” Chanyeol implores, looking at the door in alarm at Junmyeon’s outburst.

“Yes, I know. And you’re going to give me another one if you don’t calm down.” Kyungsoo retorts drowsily. He attempts to sit up with assistance from Luhan and Minseok, while Jongin still looks freaked out by the unexpected turn of events.

“Hyung, you pretty much just keeled over on my lap. Are you _sure_ you’re okay?” he asks in a small voice.

“I’ll be fine.” Kyungsoo answers simply. He looks around at the traumatized looking group standing around the room. The eldest hyungs fidgeting on either side of his bed, a paler than usual Sehun sitting at the end of Jongin’s bed, a worried sick Jongin, a pacing Junmyeon, and the anxious trio of Chanyeol, Baekyun, and Jongdae. “Seriously, you guys. After all that we’ve been through, you’d think someone would have at least expected this.”

Jongdae clears his throat. “I think you’re still in shock, Doctor Soo.” Chanyeol elbows the intern to be quiet.

“So does anybody want to talk about how we found Doctor Soo just right there on Patient Kim’s lap? Because that’s not an image I’m going to be forgetting anytime soon. It was very risqué.”

“Baekhyun!”

“Come on guys! I’m entitled to that. It took us almost half a day ‘discreetly’ making this room arrangement possible.”

“Yeah everyone, give him the benefit.” Kyungsoo echoes drily.

“Thank you!” Baekhyun nods.

“Um, can I have a few minutes alone with Kyungsoo-hyung?” Jongin mumbles timidly.

“Yes, of course. If you need me I’ll be at the director’s office handing in my resignation.” Junmyeon sighs in exasperation as he walks out of the room.

Sehun, Luhan, and Minseok nod, looking cowed by the energy inside the room. They are quick to join Junmyeon out of the room. Chanyeol, Bakehyun, and Jongdae take pointed looks from Kyungsoo before they are on the heels of the others out the door.

The room’s atmosphere changes as the door closes behind their friends, and Jongin and Kyungsoo look at each other with unsure glances.

“You know I still don’t know for sure why you left that day.” Jongin mumbles.

“Ah yes I… I went back here to have a heart transplant,” Kyungsoo replies in a sheepish tone.

“Seems to me that it was successful.”

“Not quite. There were– still are complications.” 

“Ah yes, would keeling over on my lap be one of those complications?” Jongin replies, a playful glint in his tired eyes.

“No, not exactly.” Kyungsoo laughs softly. “That would be a side-effect of the complication, which was having a heart attack.”

Jongin laughs too, but it fades as he turns to look back at Kyungsoo. “I’ve missed you, hyung.”

“I…” Kyungsoo takes a deep breath. “I’ve missed you too, Jongin.”

“But you didn’t come back.”

Jongin’s statement is met with contemplative silence.

“Why didn’t you tell me that we knew each other?” he tries again.

Kyungsoo clutches his blanket tightly to hold back his tears. “Because I didn’t know if you could forgive me. They- they told me how much you’d suffered after I left, and I didn’t know why you’d possibly want to remember me for all the pain I’ve caused you.”

“I wasn’t in the best place then, that’s true, but I still would have wanted to remember.”

“Why?”

“Because I was hurt for a reason. I couldn’t have hurt that much if I didn’t love you with all I had. And I would have wanted to remember because that would mean I would also remember why I was as hurt as I was. Because those were the happy memories: the moments we shared, the love we had. The accident happened because I loved you still, so why would you think that I wouldn’t want to remember?”

“I... I don’t know.”

“You’ve always thought with your mind, hyung.”

“And you with your heart. What’s your point, Kai?”

“That’s probably why you can’t see things my way. Why I’d take the hurt over not knowing.” 

“You’re right, I never would understand things the way you do.”

“Hyung… do you think we could have another chance?”

“Another chance at what?”

“At this. Us.”

“You’d still take me back? After all that I’ve put you through?”

“Haven’t you been listening, Kyungsoo? I loved you then, and I love you still. Yes, I am willing to take you back, if you’re willing to have me back after all _I’ve _put you through…”

Kyungsoo exhales loudly, and with it comes the rush of tears from his eyes. “Yes. Yes, we do still have a chance.”

Jongin smiles in relief through his tears. “I’m glad.”

They both laugh, tears falling from their eyes. “This is not going to be easy for either of us…” Kyungsoo adds.

“We’ll be okay, hyung. You think with your brain, I think with my heart.”

“I received surgery for my heart, and you for your brain.”

“That’s only so we can be more perfect for each other.”

“They needed work.”

“A lot of work.”

-End-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaah okay, I've finished migrating this fic. Now, I will put it back up on AFF and see if anyone is still remotely interested in the expansion of this AU or if I should just focus my writing on other things. Let me know what you think and if you're reading this thank you so much for going along the ride of this whole story!

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone expresses interest here, in AFf where I've updated the fic, or both sites, the next planned spin-off will be focused on the Kris-Lay-Tao dynamics and their own story, how it plays into what's happening before, during, and after the events of Breathless. It will explore the following: 
> 
> \- Why is Kris always missing in action?  
\- How could Tao be Lay's nephew?  
\- What did ChenBaekYeol witness in the last chapters of Breathless? (And no, it wasn't Kaisoo!)  
\- How are Kaisoo after this story?  
\- What other angst does this author have up her sleeve?  
\- And more!
> 
> I don't have high hopes for a response. I've been away from the fandom and fic writing for a long time, and while there's a story to be told, I don't want to invest if no one will be interested in it. Do people still ship these people? Do people still exist in this fandom? Is fic writing/ reading still a thing for this fandom? I wouldn't be surprised if a huge majority of my original readers have deactivated or left the fandom by now. I honestly don't know, and so I'm posting this update to get a feel of the population.
> 
> Sound off below or on AFF. I don't mind if you say, "No one cares about these people and their fics anymore, they're not even part of EXO these days, go write something else." or if you ask me to update any other of my other fics, that's fine too. I just want to seize the creativity while it exists, and I value what the audience is interested in. 
> 
> Thank you in advance and I look forward to hearing from you!


End file.
